It's a funny time of year - and I hope these Christmas jokes make it just a little bit funnier:Q - Why is Christmas just like another day at the office?
A - You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
***
Three men die on Christmas Eve. St Peter says they can get into heaven if they have something Christmassy with them.
The first guy clicks his lighter. 'It's a candle!' He says, and is allowed in.
The second guy jangles a bunch of keys. 'Jingle bells!' He sings, and is allowed in.
The third guy thinks for a minute then fishes a pair of ladies' knickers out of his pocket.
'In what way are they Christmassy?' asks Saint Peter.
'They’re Carol’s!'
***
We were very poor. Every Christmas my mother would give us all a haircut and then we’d sit down to Xmas dinner with all the trimmings.
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Q- How does Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker is getting for Christmas?
A - Because he has felt his presents.
***
A woman goes into a post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards. 'What denomination do you want?' asks the lady at the counter. 'Good God!' she said. 'Has it come to this? I suppose you'd better give me twenty Catholic and twenty Protestant.
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Q - Why does Santa come down the chimney?A - Because those pants are tight and he wriggles a lot
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I got a Helium book for Xmas. I can’t put it down.
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I got a U2 jigsaw for Christmas. I'm starting with the Edge.
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I bought my kids a David Blaine doll for Christmas – they couldn’t open the box!
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Tampax are replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel – but just for the Christmas period only
More seasonal sillies in The Funniest Christmas Joke Book Ever
~ That's all folks! ~
There's more Christmas humour at christmastime.com
I suppose the response you are looking for is 'ho ho.'
ReplyDeleteThere, I've said it.
Dave got there first with the 'ho ho', but these did raise a chuckle - thank you! I think my favourite was the helium book. :)
ReplyDeleteI got a book on punctuation for Christmas. I couldn't see the point.
ReplyDeleteI got a book on syntax for Christmas. I didn't understand really it.
I got a book on spelling for Chrissmuss.
Where do you find these? Loved Fran's additions, too!
ReplyDeleteAh, wonderful. That's got my chuckle muscles exercised!
ReplyDeleteDave - I am truly honoured.
ReplyDeleteJayne - Thanks, and welcome! And a Ha Ha Happy Christmas to you!
Fran - Brilliant! (Although I thought the Syntax didn't go up until January.)
Rainy - Sadly they're not my own. I've just written down ones I liked over the years. Shall I try and write some brand new ones? Yes! I shall! ... but then they'll be a bit rubbish... mmmm.
Martin - Excellent! That's kind of the effect I was going for.
Loved the Christmas jokes HAPPY CHRISTMAS :O)
ReplyDeleteVery funny, BB, except that I didn't get the one about Santa and the chimney. Even after re-reading it TWICE. It might be a cultural thing...
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas!
Madeleine - Glad you liked!
ReplyDeleteDeborah - Are you just being coy? If not, the word 'come' is significant. That's my favourite one, sadly.