I'm not around right now. Like a bird, I'm flying south for winter (well, a week anyway). Unlike a bird I won't shit on you as I pass overhead.
There may or may not be wifi, my laptop may or not survive a strip-search, so I may or may not post / comment. I planned to schedule a post or two to amuse and entertain in the meantime, but time is running out... so I'll leave you with a little competition:
I'd like you to write me the worst opening sentence of a novel you can come up with. There'll be a 'super' prize* for the winner. You may want to read my previous post for inspiration - you may even want to start your sentence: 'It a was a dark and stormy night' but I won't hold you to that.
Post your answer as a comment. Tell your friends too - get me up to the 100 follower mark while I'm away so I miss it and feel terrible, why don't you?
* Well, a prize anyway - and you'll really get it too. I remember how skeptical Dave was about ever getting that camel prize until it turned up on his doorstep (sans three wise men). P.S. But it won't be a camel this time... I promise!
"Margaret loaded Hubby's smalls into the washing machine and wondered if she had time to watch "Doctors", before going up to her mum's with that bag of potatoes . "
ReplyDeleteIdeal beach reading ... Enjoy the sun !
'On you on you'. You put that there just to give me something to say, didn't you?
ReplyDeleteThat's not my opening sentence, by the way.
He was a fairly dark (as much as it got dark around there, what with the light pollution from the floodlights around the old cheese factory [no, it didn't make old cheese, or even particularly mature cheese, it was just an older factory than the new cheese factory half a mile up the road] - and I'm not speaking about his general colouring, which was, in fact, quite pale) and stony (well, his expression rarely changed [and certainly never to show anything as human as a smile {or even a frown}]) knight, was Sir Alfred Butt-Worthy, I mused as I bit into my spam and tomato ('Gardeners' Delight', grown in my greenhouse) sandwich (wholemeal, naturally, the kind with extra nuts).
ReplyDeleteAha! I haven't quite gone yet... at least another hour!
ReplyDeleteS&S - Is this an autobiography? ;-)
Dave - May I use part of yours as a tagline? "Broken Biro blog - the kind with extra nuts"
'Warning: may contain nuts'.
ReplyDeleteIf only my life were that exciting !
ReplyDeleteTravelling from Dar es Salaam (well, she hadn’t actually visited the country, but they'd stopped for fuel, because Zambia to Heathrow is a long way and capacity limited), she heaved her pendulous breasts onto her plastic tray between the coq au vin and the cheese and biscuits and thought of her lover, who was fishing for pilchards in the Indian Ocean (she thought they only came in tins when she first met him, but of course someone had to catch them first – she realised that now – and put them in the tins, plus the tomato sauce, except she was allergic to tomatoes) and wondered whether the steward would scratch that bit between her shoulder blades which she couldn’t reach and was driving her mad, but it probably wasn’t his job.
ReplyDeleteBut this is wonderful Frances! A slight homage to my own writing style, I admit (a little more in parenthesis would turn it into spoof [and we can't be having that]) but I'm wanting to read the rest of the chapter now...
ReplyDeleteDave, I wasn't pinching your writing style. Honest. But a bit of parenthesis is essentail if it's to be truly awful. ( PS I love your cheese factory!)
ReplyDeleteVacuum cleaning was a high spot in Joan's week.
ReplyDelete'I hope you're enjoying your week's holiday' said Dave, pedantically, ten days after the holiday started.
ReplyDeleteI shouldn't run these competitions because I am completely indecisive when it comes to choosing the winner (or anything else for that matter!) and because you're all so clever. I'd read any of these!
ReplyDeleteS&S and Hausfrau both seem like dull domestic scenes about to be enlivened by the unexpected (or the main characters' rich inner lives)
But I think for effort it's a close run thing between Dave's plethora of parentheses and Frances's disconcerting image of 'pendulous breasts' on the plastic tray.
What do you think folks?
Give it to Frances. I've already got a camel.
ReplyDeleteDave, I've got two.
ReplyDeleteYou could become my follower as my (first/second) prize? I couldn't become yours because I already am one.On the other hand, my car is falling to pieces, and it's easeir to park than those damn camels. So a new car would be nice.
Oh well, if you're giving new cars away...
ReplyDeleteFrances - I thought I already followed you... I've definitely dipped in. I'm following now... so you've had your prize! 8-)
ReplyDeleteNO CARS will be given as prizes on this blog. Not ever. Not even if I win the Premium Bonds.