Thursday, 10 November 2011

Think you're funny?

Laugh? I nearly died.
There are no clowns in my book, but plenty of coffins
This is a serious post about being funny... but there are some jokes at the end.

I was thinking about being funny when I posted about doing stand-up the other day. Like I said, they weren't exactly rolling in the aisles - wrong material / wrong audience maybe?

People tell me I'm funny. It's one of the things I aspire to be (being funny and being liked: my two aims in life - how needy is that?) But if the occasional quip falls on stony faces I begin to doubt my powers to amuse.

I've been working a lot on my novel-in-progress lately - a lighthearted romp involving a little trouble with Big Society, planning department shenanigans and the undead. And last weekend I finally allowed a good - but critical, discerning and ruthless - friend to read the first half. How many times have you seen a book described as 'laugh out loud funny' but it barely raises a titter? Imagine my delight to hear my friend laughing out loud at my book, my baby. Don't worry - it is supposed to be funny! But it's easy to lose faith when you are the only one to have read something, and humour is subjective.

Meanwhile on Twitter there was a meme where people shared their favourite short joke. Here are some of the ones I liked the best, which gives you a clue as to the sort of humour to expect :

  1. My wife bet me I couldn't build a car from spaghetti. Imagine her face when I drove pasta...
  2. I bought ten tonnes of Tippex the other day... big mistake!
  3. I just spilled glue all over my autobiography - that's my story and I'm sticking to it!
  4. Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other... "How do you drive this thing?"
  5. What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? Wonkey
  6. "Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a moth." "Sorry, mate, this is a solicitor's, not a doctor's surgery." "I know, but your light was on."
  7. How do you titillate an ocelot?  Oscillate its tits a lot
  8. What's gray, wrinkly and hangs out your granddads pajamas? Your grandma.
  9. Why did the baker have brown hands? Cos he kneaded a poo.
  10. (gotta have a library joke) Man walks into library: Can I have fish & chips please? Librarian: This is a library. Man whispers: Can I have fish &.. 


  1. thank you for getting my day off to titteringly good start...!

  2. I'm sure the book will find its mark. Believe me, you are funny.

    Man walks into a chip shop and calls out, "Fish and chips, twice."

    A voice from behind the counter answers, "Okay mate, I heard you the first time."

  3. Oh, how my grandchildren will love no.9 (what is the enduring fascination of poo?).

  4. Great photo, Clare.

    As for your 10 jokes from Twitter, I like #10. BTW, have you ever heard of Ruth Harrison? She is a fictional character created by Garrison Keillor's Prairie Home Companion (a live weekly radio program). Ruth is a librarian and a link to shows where she is featured is posted below:

    Keillor also has a "pretty good jokes" feature and the link to that is posted below:

    One of the jokes featured there is:

    Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband: "Nothing." Wife: "Nothing?" "You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband: "I have been looking for the expiration date."

    I would amend that joke and have the wife be looking at the marriage certificate for the expiration date (-8

    Kudos to you for the courage to letting your friend your book!

  5. I was going to put this one up on my blog on a dull day, especially for you, but then I stopped blogging.

    A nurse is giving a young doctor a tour of the hospital.
    The doctor approaches one bedridden patient and asks, “Why are you here?” The patient replies, “Wee sleket cowerin’ timrous beastie/O, what a panic is in thy breastie.”
    They move on to the next bed and he asks the same question, “Why are you here?” The patient answers, “O, my luv is like a red, red, rose that’s newly sprung in June.”
    The doctor moves on to a third bed and asks again, “Why are you here” to which the third patient replies, “The best laid plans of mice and men, may often gang awry.”
    At this the doctor turns to the nurse and asks, “What ward is this anyway?”

    And the nurse answers...

    ...“It’s the Burns Unit.”

  6. AquaMarina - You're very welcome!

    M - Ah yes, but 'funny ha ha' or 'funny peculiar'?

    Frances - I really don't know, and poo is where i usually draw the line. But I did like this one!

    LLG - I just checked out that second link. I liked: Wife: "Do you want dinner?" Husband: "Sure!" "What are my choices?" Wife: "Yes or No."

    Dave - Your blog's loss is my gain. I have heard this before, but thank you for reminding me well in time for Burns Night. It may be the only Scottish joke about poets and is hence a very valuable commodity.

  7. Is it possible to be one without the other, I ask myself.

  8. Man walks into library with two books in the bottom of his trousers.

    "What's that?" asks the librarian.

    The man looks down.

    "That's a turn up for the books" he says.

  9. M - Well, if you're talking to yourself, you're at least the latter! ;-)

    Rog - Ooh - another library joke. Thank you! I shall steal it and make it my 'joke du jour' on Monday for the delectation of The Borrowers. 8-)

  10. Love the post and the jokes made me smile, excellent stuff!

    Anna :o]