My first post of Funny Submissions Guidelines went down well, so here are a few more entertaining ones. These are all markets for short fiction, by the way.
The Canary Press:
Payment: We strongly believe that writers should be paid for their work, especially considering what the Kardashians are paid and the price of alcohol these days.
Not really a submission guideline, but I love this on the same site:
"...join our email list we will never give away your email address or send you spam,
except at Christmas time when, if things are going well, we may send you
some actual spam...which will last for years in your kitchen cupboard."
Penny Dreadful (Haunted Press) Yes, even you, as wretched and forlorn as you may well be. We want you to submit to us... (their acceptances are on the snidey side, too!... See my post Finding Acceptances.)
Some zines offer services above and beyond to their authors: Space Squid promises: "...not to give your name to the FBI after we find out what goes on in that freakish head of yours."
Flash Fiction zine, Whiskeypaper is much more charming: "We cannot pay you for your story but we love you the same. And we will
respond to your submission as soon as possible. We know how it feels to
wait and wait and wait. We will do the best we can. We appreciate your
patience and sweetness." and: "We dig kindness and light."
But sometimes the years of trauma just leach out into the guidelines of more seasoned publications. You can sense the frustration in this fromDaily Science Fiction: "We do not accept reprints. We do not accept reprints. Also, if you were wondering about reprints--nope, we don't take 'em"
"Don't send us another until we send you a response. You can send us
another as soon as we send you a response (either "Yea" or "Nay). After, not before. (If that's confusing, ask Grover at Sesame Street. He's really good at prepositions."
And finally...Apex Magazine throws down this gauntlet: "If you are rejected, don’t get angry—instead, become more awesome. Write
something better, and better, until we have to accept you."