Funny Submission Guidleines #2

My first post of Funny Submissions Guidelines went down well, so here are a few more entertaining ones. These are all markets for short fiction, by the way.

The Canary Press:
Payment: We strongly believe that writers should be paid for their work, especially considering what the Kardashians are paid and the price of alcohol these days.

Not really a submission guideline, but I love this on the same site:

"...join our email list we will never give away your email address or send you spam, except at Christmas time when, if things are going well, we may send you some actual spam...which will last for years in your kitchen cupboard."

Penny Dreadful (Haunted Press)  Yes, even you, as wretched and forlorn as you may well be. We want you to submit to us... (their acceptances are on the snidey side, too!... See my post Finding Acceptances.)

Some zines offer services above and beyond to their authors: Space Squid promises: "...not to give your name to the FBI after we find out what goes on in that freakish head of yours."

Flash Fiction zine, Whiskeypaper is much more charming: "We cannot pay you for your story but we love you the same. And we will respond to your submission as soon as possible. We know how it feels to wait and wait and wait. We will do the best we can. We appreciate your patience and sweetness."  and:  "We dig kindness and light."

But sometimes the years of trauma just leach out into the guidelines of more seasoned publications. You can sense the frustration in this fromDaily Science Fiction: "We do not accept reprints. We do not accept reprints. Also, if you were wondering about reprints--nope, we don't take 'em"

and...

"Don't send us another until we send you a response. You can send us another as soon as we send you a response (either "Yea" or "Nay). After, not before. (If that's confusing, ask Grover at Sesame Street. He's really good at prepositions." 

And finally...Apex Magazine throws down this gauntlet: "If you are rejected, don’t get angry—instead, become more awesome. Write something better, and better, until we have to accept you."

Finding Acceptance(s)

My (tiny) story is bottom left, click the link (below) for more

I have written before about unusual, griping or downright rude submission guidelines HERE and about subsequent cruel / kind / offhand rejections HERE

But I feel a whole new seam has opened up from the mouths of editors in the form of acceptances:

How about this for a recent acceptance from Penny Fiction at Haunted Waters (which I'm hoping is their standard acceptance blurb and they haven't just singled me out for such a begrudging 'yes' and churlish afterword):

"To my surprise, I found your story to be quite agreeable...... Now that I know what you are capable of, you have no excuses for submitting work of lesser quality in the future."

I should mention this is the first story I have submitted to this market so this is not a reflection on previous attempts!

I also had this from the editor of Green Prints (aka 'the weeder's digest') rejecting a poem she otherwise liked because elements of it: "...may offend people who do have such faith.  Why? I have no desire to and see no purpose in antagonizing them; many of them are good, loving people."  I know - you're thinking what the hell did I write? ... Suffice to say that of course she was right and after I made some simple revisions the poem has now been accepted. I'm not sure if the publication will be online but I'll flag it up if it is.

Is a rejection almost preferable to a grudging response or being held accountable for upsetting the readers? Nope.

Out there

If I'm not here, I must be somewhere else.

There's a little something of mine at Flashpoints, for example.  This gorgeous site offers tiny pieces of site-specific flash fiction. A story written in and about a specific location  is left there. I wrote my story in the library and left it on the Mills and Boon stand (left). A week later it was still there. If anyone noticed they didn't say.

I read a blog recently where the writer ( sorry, but I can't remember who it was or find it now - if it was you, fess up and I'll put a link in!) ) had over 100 submissions awaiting response.

She inspired me to send more stories and poems out - I'm up to 54 so watch this space for yee-hahs or ya-boo-suckses.

I'm also on (at? in?) the Lancashire Writing Hub being interviewed about Poetry24, the daily ezine I co-edit with Martin

Funny Submission Guidelines #1

I wish I'd started this post when I first began sending out poems and stories for publication. But here are a few little gems I've found in submission guidelines recently for your delectation - you may even want to send some of your writing to these markets ...

"Please no poetry, we don’t understand it." The Safety Pin Review (short fiction)

"750 or fewer words. Weird. Surprising. Preferably no elves." Brain Harvest

"We’re just not the best market for doom-laden go-nowhere stories which push the boundaries of the English language into new and unfortunate places." Andromeda Spaceways In-flight Magazine

"We're not looking for poetry. Feel free to submit limericks. We won't publish them, but we might read them. Limericks are cool."  Crowded Magazine  (Who also need to be clear on this point: "No purple midgets, gay pirates, or unicorns. Actually, that's a lie. If you have a great story about a unicorn-riding purple midget battling a fleet of gay pirates, drop it in the queue. Really. We don't see enough of that kind of thing.")

And finally, two favourites from Short, Fast and Deadly:

"We're pretty sure our mothers read this page. Yours might too. We don't mind if she flinches a bit but we don't want her keeling over or anything."

and...

"No Haiku! For the love of God. No Haiku."

Let me know if you come across any other good ones... I feel this may turn into a regular feature!

p.s. And of course, the best place to find out the best places to send your submissions to is the excellent free writer's database and submission tracker called Duotrope which I can't recommend highly enough

One Today!

Roses are red


Violets much less


Poetry24 is one today


Happy Birthday to us!

Just over a year ago, fellow blogger Martin Hodges from Square Sunshine made me a proposition: how did I fancy co-editing a new news-related poetry blog?

If I'd stopped to consider the hours involved in setting the project up, promoting it and updating it with submissions from poets around the world on a daily basis, I may have hesitated. But it seemed like a really good idea - and a year ago today we posted our first few poems.

We've kept it going through thick and thin, and you know what? It still seems like a really good idea. I know from all the poetry open mic nights I've been to that poets are often inspired by current events. But so many poetry mags take forever to respond - six months or more, some of them. We reckon Poetry24 is unique in that it only publishes poems on subjects linked to recent news - and does so really quickly - a quarter of the poems we use are published in less than 24hours.


111 poets, 312 poems

subjects covered: Arab Spring to Zanesville Zoo

The fine art of being rejected

It’s a terrible thing, rejection

I’m talking about editors rejecting your writing here, but you know me, I’m also talking about life.  You don’t want to be rejected and you certainly don’t want the same rejection as everyone else.  

If your partner chucked you with a standard letter, an uninformative shrug of the shoulders – you’d have to kill him. You couldn’t bear for him to say: 'Not for me this time, sorry.'  You’d want to scream: ‘But WHYeeee!!???’  What specifically did I do or say to make him discard me?  Was it those PJ’s or the laughing at your own jokes or not paying enough attention to depilation or your fact that I may one day turn into my mother?  (sorry mum)

Also, you'd like the fault to be redeemable - an easily rectified oversight - or at least the comfort of many, many additional plus points offered in mitigation.  Yes, you snore but by god you look beautiful in the mornings.  You want him to be already regretting his decision, oh and maybe giving you the number of someone else who might be more inclined to cope with your teeny weeny little flaws.

Oh – see what I've done? – I’ve talked about life as an analogy for writing instead of the other way round.  What I mean is don't you hate the bog-standard, form rejection? I want to know what the editor did (or didn’t) like about my piece, that I was close and next time things will be different.

I've had a dozen stories published and plenty more poems, but only because I'm thick-skinned enough to keep sending them out.  For every success there are many rejections, so I thought I'd share a few of my favourites that offered more than the standard rebuff:

• "Thanks for sending, but this is a very familiar idea, and I'm afraid you haven't done anything with it beyond simply stating it."  

• "No. I liked the ending, but the story seemed to drag on and on." 

• "How does he know a lump of himself landed on the camera when he is dead?"

• "… this tale just didn't interest us."  www.AlienSkinMag.com

After a while, things started looking up...

• "It feels unexplored, thin.  With an expanded, fuller ending, I think this story has good potential."

• "Oooh, this was a tough one… I think in the end though we're going to pass on it, but please keep submitting!"  www.McSweeneys.net

• "…but it didn't quite make the final cut."  www.aberrantdreams.com

• "...this one didn't do it for me (though I like the ending)."  www.newmyths.com

And sometimes an encouraging rejection from a quality mag is better than an acceptance from a lesser one: "There were some words and phrases in it that we really loved, but the competition was fierce."  www.magmapoetry.com

I tried several times to submit to Postcards from Hell but kept getting the form rejection: "We have subjected our victims to your story but they were not sufficiently traumatized. Your story has been consigned to the Lake of Fire. Thanks for trying."   So it was a bit of a triumph getting the a personal one from them:  "Truly, one of the oddest stories I've received, but I'm going to pass."

Sadly, I’m not always creepy enough, though:  "The prose here is precise and elegant, the story quietly fascinating, but in the end, it's simply not dark enough for us."  www.chizine.com  Or I'm too flippant: "It is well written, but I wish it was less farcical." www.electricvelocipede.com  

The worst rejection?  One poetry magazine sends out the simple, brutal, disappointed: "Alas, these are not what I seek."  Which makes you feel like you've let yourself down, let them down, let everybody down.   

What's the best / worst rejections you've had?

Late addition (22/10/10) - I was just sent this link the Ten Funniest Rejection Letters - enjoy!