Go to Hell

I don't mean the title in a bad way - I was just trying it out for the tourist board of the Norwegian town called Hell... which quite often freezes over.

If the Aztecs knew about Norway, they would have thought it was Hell anyway... not because they have a fear of fjords or are troubled by trolls, but they believed the dead travelled to Mictlan, 'a neutral place found far to the north' - and if that isn't Norway, I don't know what is.

I've never been to Norway, but I may have already been to Hell. The Jewish / Islamic 'hell' is Gehenna - the valley of Hinnon outside the old city of Jerusalem where unsavoury types used to make burnt offerings of their (or possibly other people's) children. It came to be used as a general term for 'the place where bad people go for a good burning'. I'm paraphrasing here.

I love the way that so many places mentioned in the Old Testament are real locations, not made up Heaven's, Purgatories or Valhalla's. I've been to Armageddon... also know as Har Megiddo in Northern Israel, where 'the final battle' is supposed to take place. It isn't much to look at but there is a warren of tunnels underneath, where I once had a romantic interlude. Well, they say that if it's the end of the world, you might as well make love.

Incidentally, that was the second time I've returned unscathed from the end of the world (the first is here).

So what's YOUR idea of Hell?

Useful Answers to Difficult Questions

I have, for some time, been collecting useful answers - answers that can be used to respond to all manner of awkward, intrusive or just plain difficult questions.

So I'm going to share with you the best I have found... so far:

"That would be an ecumenical matter"

This comes from the wonderful, witty Father Ted comedy series. Ted attempts to present the appalling Father Jack as a still-functioning member of the clergy by training him to make this reply to any questions posed by a group of visiting bishops. I've tried it and it works - and not just with bishops! You might want to change 'ecumenical' for a similar but more contextual word like 'administrative' or 'ethical' The only problem is that the original is so well known amongst Ted fans, it has a subtext which says: 'I have no idea (a) what your question means, (b) what the answer is, or (c) what my opinions are on this matter.'

Works best with: technical or work-related . e.g. 'What is this company's policy on work/life balance?'

Doesn't work well with: direct questions. e.g. 'What time does it start?'

"I hear what you're saying but..." OR "I'm glad you asked me that..."

The classic riposte of the politician or hobby-arguer. It acknowledges the question, but puts it neatly to one side leaving you to launch on your own trajectory.

Works best: when, actually, you didn't hear what they were saying.

Doesn't work well with: direct questions. e.g. 'What time does it start?'

"Arguably."

This is the haiku of useful answers: short, neat, ambiguous. It acknowledges both the question and a panoply of possible answers, all of which you are obviously fully conversant with but which you consider rather old hat.

Works best with: leading questions. e.g. 'Don't you think this is the biggest load of nonsense?'

Doesn't work well with: direct questions. e.g. 'What did you have for lunch?'

"It depends what you mean by ....[insert a word from their question]"

Ah, the classic 'answer a question with a question' gambit. Pick up the questioner on a word or phrase in their question and twist the discussion into a neat exploration of semantics, deflecting attention from the original question. I've even got away with: 'What do you mean by 'mean'?'

Works best: with almost any question. e.g. 'What did you have for lunch?' 'It depends what you mean by 'have'.'

Doesn't work well with: people who are easily provoked to physical violence.

And now...

*DRUM ROLL*

... a new addition to the 'Useful Answers' Hall of Fame:

"Don't change the subject!"

This was in a comment on my earlier My dog has no nose post from Dave and I think it's a new classic. It's a little time machine packed into four words - you can use it to return to any point in the discussion (a point where you were on less shaky ground) and steer it on a new course from there.

Works best: almost any question, except...

Doesn't work well: when the conversation only begins with the question in question.

So... any more I should add to my list? ...And, more importantly - any questions?

12 African Proverbs

Monoko Mbele, makola ndunda.* 

People enjoyed Sunday's African proverb so I dug out some more and here they are. I have a list - not sure where I got it from.

There are dozens about animals you probably wouldn't encounter in Birkenhead Precinct, and many more involving trees.

There are also plenty that are identical to our own, and quite a few more that are so obvious as to veer away from the term 'proverb' into the territory of common bloody sense. 

So I've  savaged the list and whittled it down to a short-list of my favourites. I think we can all learn something here.

In no particular order:

'Every hill has its leopard.'
Bahaya proverb


'Who takes a hut, also takes the rats and cockroaches.
Ntomba proverb.


'Do not grab your heel until the ant has bitten you.'
Ekonda proverb.


'If you carry the egg basket do not dance.'
Ambede proverb


'The wind does not break a tree that can bend'.
(Sukuma proverb)


'The elephant dies, but his tusks remain'.
(Bamfinu proverb)


'The wind helps those without an axe to cut wood'.
(Bamileke proverb - Cameroon and parts of Nigeria)


'We rest our legs, but never our mouths'.
(Bahaya [Haya] proverb, Tanzania)


'A knife does not recognise its owner'.
(Mongo proverb, Democratic Republic of Congo - former Zaïre)


'Pretend you are dead and you will see who really loves you'.** 
(Bamoun proverb)


'Only when a tree has grown can you tie your cow to it".
Jabo proverb,Liberia)

How about making up some more for me?  They have to involve a wild animal (preferably a predator) and/or a tree...

* Just a a reminder to those who missed the previous post that the phrase is Lingala (Congo) for: 'Your tongue is a sword and your legs are vegetables'  which is certainly true of me, I don't know about you.

** Don't try this at home, children, it frightens your parents.