My Klingon for a horse...

If you're writing science fiction and running low on plot, it's not unheard of to dip into classic literature and... erm... borrow a story (I'm looking at you, Russell T.)

There are only so many plots, right?

Anyhoo, I was just about to go to sleep the other night when someone on Twitter started up  #SciFiShakespeare - a 'hashtag (or should that be mashtag?) game' with an irresistible combination if ever there was one.

As some of you are not on Twitter and so miss it's more fun elements, I have listed as I sometimes do here, some my favourites (some in the screen grab on the left, and some pasted below).

Do chip in with your own Shakespeare / scifi mashups in the comments below:

@Dr_Dmo: My Klingon for a horse

‏@JohnMoynes: 

But soft, what beast through yonder stomach breaks?

@Beanmimo: 

(Stolen from Spitting Images a long long time ago) To be not not to be, that is illogical Captain.

‏@HefSan:

Close Encounters of the Richard III Kind

 @sturadernie:

To take arms against a sea of tribbles and by opposing, end them…

And of course, not to be outdone, I came up with:

For in that sleep of Darth what dreams may come? and Don't Panic and let slip the dog of war!

'Wherefore art thou, Romeo?' she texted.

"Heart of Darkness? I dunno - I'll just check my GPS"

Modern technology really messes with your plots.

I was reading somewhere how the end of Romeo and Juliet would have been completely different if they had just texted each other. And it made me think of other great stories that would have been different today: Jane Eyre could have come to Mr Rochester's side if she'd been following him on Facebook... or subscribed to the local newspaper's RSS feed. If Frankenstein's monster had blogged about how he felt, he'd have been hunted down by paparazzi and chat-show hosts, not irate villagers.

It isn't just the classics either - I know quite a few writers who have had to set their stories in the 80s and 90s because recent technology would bugger up the story. My own first novel - which currently resides both literally and metaphorically 'under the bed' - will always have to be set no later than the early 90s because the reclusive main character would never have to face the world if he could communicate freely by email and share documents over the internet.

So if good fiction means presenting your main character with problems to overcome, often compounded by miscommunication, misunderstanding and lack of information... does this mean modern technology is solving all our problems, clarifying our relationships and supplying us with all the answers?

I'm not sure it does, but do you think it is quietly changing the nature of the stories we tell? And how would other famous stories have panned out given access to Google, YouTube and Twitter?

The Odd Couplet... and other Poetical Films

One of the things I love about Twitter is how it's become a natural home for the dreadful pun. I've blogged before* about Hashtag games, where people compete to come up with the worst puns on a particular subject - usually a mash up of film titles, songs, animals and some topical theme.

This week I had a lot of fun with #poeticalfilms ... I don't know who started it but was surprised how many took it up and ran with it. Here are some of my faves...

Faust Amongst Equals
@bingaddick

2001: A Space Ode Essay
@adrianbriggs

Crocodile Spondee
@hudsonette

Doggerel Day Afternoon
Raiders of the Lost John Cooper Clarke
@pifflechimp

Private Betjeman
Die Hardy
Whitman Can't Jump
‏@Balls_to_Monty

Silence of the iamb
@Tarawuski

Rimbaud: First Blood
‏@m_yates

The Men Who Stare At Goethe
Honey I Shrunk The Keats
Debbie Does Ballads
The Odd Couplet
@CosyFanTootie

Look Ted Hughes Talking
‏@AntBeal

Mad Max Beyond The Palindrome
PignusDominus

The Hitchhaiku
‏@FakePaulCoia

The Hughes Brothers
Dead Men don't wear Plath.
@martysm

Con Ayres
@Trudski2012

Haiku Fidelity
‏@standardbrit

Here are some of my own: ‏

For Whom the Belloc Tolls
Anapest in Show
Truly, Madly, Hegley
Baudelaire of the White Worm
Woolf Creek
Quatrain Man
and of course Carol Ann Duffy the Vampire Slayer

@ClareKirwan

and, a personal favourite... drum roll...

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day of the triffids
‏@JimGall5

Go to it! You may not be on twitter, but you can still join in here...

* Why are there so many songs about librarians?

Poet Films

Another classic hashtag topic on Twitter has had me giggling this week: #poetfilms

I know many of you haven't got into Twitter so you miss the terrible terrible puns that are rife if you follow the right people (ie witty, clever types, not celebs!)

So I occasionally share some funnies here. Over the last few days, the topic has been films renamed to include famous poets (or poet-related terms). Here are some of my favourites (the @name is the Twitter i.d. of the perpetrator in each case)

@AsininePoetry: The Silence of the Iambs

@Sophie2608: The League of ExtrAuden-ary Gentlemen and Woolfe Creek

@firmpear: Batman Beginsberg

@ _jonb: Baudelaire of the White Worm

@Gerrarrdus Bring me the Head of Alfred, Lord Tennyson

@StevenBettles: Who Framed Roger McGough?

@fulhammatty: The Strange Case of Betjamin Button

@robinbogg: wall-ee cummings

Personal favourite: The Pantoum of the Opera

Oh no! I was going to do my Top Ten but Twitter just got 'overloaded'.

Anyone want to supply any more?

New Year's Eve... live from a sofa near you

Firstly I must tell you - something weird happened tonight with me and Darth Vader.

Bear with me. There's this guy (or gal) calling themselves Darth Vader on Twitter, and they asked for a three word description of the Dark Lord of the Sith. I replied saying I couldn't do it in 3 words, but gave a link to this blog post. 'Darth' re-tweeted my link to his quarter of a million followers. So suddenly (not that I follow my stats on Statcounter or anything) I've had 1500 people (and counting) visit that post...

...for an average of 5 seconds.... hahaha! Andy Warhol was wrong - not even fifteen minutes,

added later: ... although Darth doesn't tweet that often so I'm still getting hits from it, and a few new followers, and a great story which both self-agrandises and self-denigrates... but does end up with people wanting me to explain (in detail) what Twitter is and what's the difference between Twitter and Facebook and Blogging and Linked-in and my arse. (Not really - just added that in to see if anyone was paying attention.)

It just goes to show how many sad, lonely people who don't get invited to New Year parties are getting something out of Twitter, and the internet. It's nice for us them.

I've been trying to be positive, what with my top Christmas pressies, and my highlights of 20210 (hey... I can't drink tequila and type!) and not mentioning the BAD BITS and the CONTINUING SAGAs and the TROUBLES AHEAD. But really.

Must I bear alone the trauma of my mother's gift of a leopard-skin shower cap (and matching snuggle) and 48 boxes of chocolates? Could be worse - my BFF got a doorstop, a tea towel, teabags and (ahem) 16 random library books.

Anyway, there's some more cheap fizz en route so I'll stop here. But if you're reading this tonight, here's some comfort for you - 'staying in' is the new 'going out'. Twitter said so. But then it says a lot of things.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Cheers!! *raises can of Stella and gets all teary...*

Twitter - 7 Steps to Getting Started

And now, in a change to our normal blog, this is a How to Get Started in Twitter post inspired by Maria Zanini - read her post about it here. Normal service will be resumed after this messages.

I'm going to run through some basics to help other people get to grips with Twitter - if they choose to do so. 

Be aware: it can be addictive and It's Not My Fault*

Step one: Open an account.

• Sign up at www.twitter.com. Your username will be @yourchoice (mine's @ClareKirwan) so when you see an @ symbol it's another person.
• Only use your real name if you are saying mostly nice things, in your own time and don't mind who knows it.
• You can have more than one identity so if you're not sure about all this Twitter nonsense, you could try a made-up name first until you're comfortable launching your real self. 

Step two: Have a look around

• Like Facebook you have a 'profile' page where people can see anything you've 'tweeted' publicly, and a 'home' page where you can see what the people you follow have been saying.
• From the home page you can also access your Direct Messages (private messages which can be sent between two people who follow each other) and see it you've been retweeted or mentioned. This is all in the future for now.
• It's not cool to send plaintive messages into the ether like: 'So here I am on Twitter then' and 'Is anybody there?' but we all do it. No-one will answer.

Step three: Following

• You can follow anyone unless they block you. They don't have to follow back.
• Follow celebs if you must (yawn), but don't expect replies. Everyone follows @stephenfry, but spoof @mrsstephenfry is funnier. You'll soon find the popular celebs - they just follow each other.
• Good ways to start: search for people you know, reply to people writing on trending topics, browse amongst  people your friends follow to see who you like the sound of
• Two people who follow each other are 'friends' and can send DM's (direct messages) which aren't visible to others.
• You can organise people you follow into lists like 'people-i-actually-know-in-real-life,' 'celebs' and 'wierdos' and select to just look at activity by people on a specific list at a time. 
• Here are someone else's 7 ways to gain followers on Twitter
  

Step four: Trending topics/ hashtags/ memes

• Bottom right on your home page are 'hot' trending topics or 'memes', but there are loads more. Click on one and you'll get a feed comprised of tweets on these topics.
• You'll see the hashtag (#) quite a bit in tweets. These are also memes. e.g. if I had wanted to comment on the general election, I'd have tweeted: 'One Green MP, no BNP ones. People voted for the lettuce, not the slug. #GE10'  ...and anyone following GE10 (the tag for the General Election 2010) would have seen it. 
• Hashtags can be for world events, favourite telly programmes (e.g. #cdwm when Come DIne With Me is on - i.e. all the time) or silly word games like #starwarssongs or #plantmusic 

(See an earlier post for a fine example of hashtag madness and some great people worth following imho (in my honest opinion... there's a whole language. You don't have to use it.) LOL.

Step five: But what do I tweet about?

• Don't be boring and don't over-do it.
• I follow people with witty, interesting, off-the-wall things to say and hope to be the same: something funny I heard, a quote I like, a response to something I'm watching or reading, banter with people I follow.
• I've had an occasionally whinge and been cheered with support and good advice from other tweeps. It's like a virtual office complete with silly jokes, interesting facts, gossip, news snippets, tea and sympathy. Without the tea.
• You can also tweet links to your blog, YouTube, webpages, pictures, news articles, etc. 
  

Step six: Manners please!

• It's good manners to follow people back if they follow you (unless they're obviously 'selling' something) but not compulsory.
• Other nice things you can do for your friends is to retweet them when you enjoy something they've tweeted, or 'mention' them (use their @name in a message). 
• There's also customs like 'Follow Friday' where you mention your favourite tweeps and the tag #FF to encourage your other followers to follow them too. (Also #WritersWednesday - same thing for writers. I tried a #WirralThursday but it didn't take off. *sigh*  
• It's also good manners to thank someone if they #FF you or retweet one of your tweets.

Step seven: Tweetdeck

• With Twitter it gets hard to keep track of your friends quite quickly. Free, downloadable programmes like Tweetdeck enable you to view several columns (your choice of  lists, hashtags, mentions, direct messages), update Facebook status and generally Do More Stuff. There are others but I've only used Tweetdeck and it works for me in ways Twitter on it's own just didn't.
  

Read more: Twitter's help pages should explain the terminology, or you could check out Blogging Bits' Twitter Glossary or, for the more advanced Seed the Web's Twittonary. I'll add one here eventually, but... did someone mention tea?

Image used is from this site about Libraries using Twitter

* If you've ever used an Apple Mac (and this might just have been the old ones) an American voice used to come out of it saying this when certain errors occurred. It never said anything else. Weird huh?

Why there are SO MANY songs about librarians

Having asked in my earlier post Why are there no songs about librarians?  I decided to raise the issue on Twitter, expecting little response.  Instead it sparked a pun-fest with over 300 ideas (and counting), my favourites of which I share here for your delectation.  If you're thinking of dabbling in Twitter I can personally recommend everyone listed  here - and more!

After this I will stopping blogging about libraries for a bit!

@BardOfEarth:  Man of constant borrow.

@Tiggythepiggy: Why Do Words Suddenly Appear, Every Time You Are Near?  

@BardOfEarth:  You ain't nothin' but a Bound Log.

@Tiggythepiggy: When I Think Of You, I Touch My Shelf  

@pinkytheflorist: Lend me, break me  

@AmoebaStampede: Place Another Little Fiche on My Cart  

@barbedwyer:  She's in love with me and I feel 20p Fine

@spoiltvt: All You Read Is Love  

@Tiggythepiggy: Hey Big Lender  

@_Monocle_: Gazetteers Of A Clown  

@Tiggythepiggy: I Can See Four Aisles  

@Tiggythepiggy: Take That Book Off Your Face  

@FrankieMcGinty: All by my shelf

@remittancegirl: I cried a river overdue  

@5tubby:   Spinsters are doing it on the shelves

@drfidelius: I Am Thesaurus  

@LauraEmm:  You're Not A Loan

@Billablog: She Shelves Sanctuary  

@JulieRussell:  Blyton time

@philmscribe: I'll Never Get Overdue  

@BioTracer: Will You Still Love Me To Borrow

@JulieRussell:  50 ways to read a cover

@BertSwattermain  What Bookworms of the Broken Hearted

@SplashMan: ISBN Missing You

@sad19: You've Gotta Lend (song as an overduet)

@BertSwattermain:  A-What-Borrow-You-Got-A-Stamp-Bang-Book

@dartacus: What have you done for me late-fee?  

@HashConverter: Let's Stack Together  

@BertSwattermain:  Love Me Lender

@BertSwattermain:  Dewey Decimal Follower of Fashion

@HashConverter: Fool (If you think it's overdue)  

@SymphonyUK: Ticket to Read

@GrahamBandage: A Loan Again Naturally  

@thedrollhouse: All By My Shelf  

@GrahamYapp:  Be Good to Yourshelf

@MrWordsWorth: Where Dewey Go From Here?

Some  of my own contributions (in my alterego):

Return to  Lender

Ticket to the Limit  

Move Over Dorling (Kindersley)

and finally......big Hollywood ending, orchestra rises to a crescendo....(That's why the )The Lady Has A Stamp

Here comes the pun!

They can't kill you for it - but they'd like to.

I have a genetic tendancy towards the dreadful pun - let's blame the parents (well, dad anyway, mum just sighs). And it's hard, you know. People don't always appreciate your little gems. You find yours bons mots greeted with groans. It's even described (mostly by people not clever enough to pun well) as the lowest form of wit.

It was late in life that I discovered 'I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue' but was always frustrated that there wasn't enough time to join in when they had to come up with, for example, Welsh films like 'Dai Hard' or 'Where Eagles Aberdare'.

But hurrah, hurrah and thrice hurrah! I have discovered my spiritual home in Twitter.

I was at first confounded by this concise (140 characters) and sometimes inscrutable social networking site. Then I discovered hashtags. In Twitter the '#' symbol helps you to search for specific subjects. Anyone 'tweeting' about the iPad would include #ipad in their tweet and if you search #ipad you'll get a million tweets about it. But it isn't all political commentary and teccy chat - there are hashtags for people like me

The first one I stumbled across was #filmsmadescottish and here are some of the gems that people were coming up with:

• Glenfiddler on the Roof
• Nevis say Nevis Again
• There's Something About Moray
• Perth Girls are Easy
• Sporrandipity
• Ayrplane
• Och Aye, Robot
• and (personal favourite) Cheaper wi' ye' Cousin

I thought it was a one off, but it goes on. Next it was #ozfilms:

• Mortal Wombat
• Digeridoo the Right Thing
• Melbourne on the Fourth of July
• Outback to the Future
• Look, Roos Talking
• Possum Unmissable (one of my own, ahem)

Then #scifipop... then #ITVroyalmail... oh and I forgot about #middleclasssongs (Everybody was Feng Shui Fighting, Chim chim chiminera, Hove is a Many-Splendored Thing etc etc)

I could go on. Come and join me! @ClareKirwan