Tuesday, 4 May 2010

May the 4th be with you!

Yes, it's that time of year again. Happy Star Wars Day everyone!

I have a thing for Darth Vader.

There. I've said it. Lord Vader. It's the combination of the black leather, the power, the cape (more about this another time), the voice and the fact that I was at a difficult and impressionable age when the film first came out. So in honour of Star Wars Day, here's a poem.

Readers of a delicate and cultured sensibility, look away now.

Love song for Darth Vader

O Darth
I know the Jedi and the Sith
are just a movie myth
and in your current apparel you’d be
quite difficult to kith.
But your giant stride,
your pneumatic breathing,
your leather, leather, leather
gets my maiden’s chest heaving.

O Darth
When I hear your voice I know
that only you could be so bold
I am dealing with forces I don’t understand.
Give me a hand to hold.
I don’t mind that you've no hair,
your limbs are made, not grown.
I sort of like the way they stare
and you’ve a theme tune of your own

O Darth
Behind your mask I know,
you’re a bit the worse for wear,
but you can keep your helmet on,
and we’ll take things from there.

I find your lack of face disturbing,
your dark places, cushioned hide,
but cannot curb this dark yearning
to find your fragile underside

O Darth
The awful things you’ve seen
since boyhood thrills on Tattooine –
and… oh… the dark years in between,
toasted and turned to part-machine.
Then you bombed the base in rebel space,
which I really can’t endorse
But can I feel it?... Can I?... Feel it?
Can I feel the Force?

O Darth
You don’t even let George Lucas’
awful scripts demean you.
Be my saving stamps, my premium bonds
– let me redeem you!
But it was George who created you -
forged in the foundry of his mind -
and now he’s told your story,
joined the dots, what’s left behind?

Long dark years, lonely by my hearth,
devoid of Vader, with a dearth of Darth.

O Yoda
I am sorry but
you’re far too small and shit,
and look just like my granddad
– which puts me off a bit.


  1. Hilarious! Happy Star Wars Day!

  2. One of your TOP POEMS - but then, my ever-so-talented chum, you have so many Top Poems to choose from.

  3. Have to say, Star Wars Day isn't written in my diary. But cheers anyway!

  4. Thanks Talli! Glad you liked.

    Moptop - not TOP, but ta for that.

    Fran - what's up with your diary? You didn't have National Double Entendre Week in it either. Next thing you'll be saying you've never heard of Naked Trampoline Morning

  5. I used to know a girl who's mother had gone out with Darth Vader, or at least with his body. He was also the Green Cross Code man.

  6. Ah, Dave Prowse, who was gutted to discover (at the premier, I believe) that his voice was not going to be used due to his West Country burr: 'Go 'a the darrrk soide, my luvverrr.'
    Don't fancy him at all - nor James Earl Jones who did the voice.

  7. ha. that's fantastic, and good old Darth retweeted it ;)

  8. Hi Jonathan! Thanks! He did and I just got major traffic (you're the only one of 1,500 who commented - well done!) - just blogged about it here ... Happy New Year!