Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Ho Ho Ho! My favourite Christmas Jokes

It's a funny time of year - and I hope these Christmas jokes make it just a little bit funnier:
Q - Why is Christmas just like another day at the office?
A - You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Three men die on Christmas Eve. St Peter says they can get into heaven if they have something Christmassy with them.
The first guy clicks his lighter. 'It's a candle!' He says, and is allowed in.
The second guy jangles a bunch of keys. 'Jingle bells!' He sings, and is allowed in.
The third guy thinks for a minute then fishes a pair of ladies' knickers out of his pocket.
'In what way are they Christmassy?' asks Saint Peter.
'They’re Carol’s!'
We were very poor. Every Christmas my mother would give us all a haircut and then we’d sit down to Xmas dinner with all the trimmings.

Q- How does Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker is getting for Christmas?
A - Because he has felt his presents.

A woman goes into a post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards. 'What denomination do you want?' asks the lady at the counter. 'Good God!' she said. 'Has it come to this? I suppose you'd better give me twenty Catholic and twenty Protestant.

Q - Why does Santa come down the chimney?
A - Because those pants are tight and he wriggles a lot

I got a Helium book for Xmas. I can’t put it down.
I got a U2 jigsaw for Christmas. I'm starting with the Edge.

I bought my kids a David Blaine doll for Christmas – they couldn’t open the box!

Tampax are replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel – but just for the Christmas period only

More seasonal sillies in The Funniest Christmas Joke Book Ever

~ That's all folks! ~

There's more Christmas humour at christmastime.com


  1. I suppose the response you are looking for is 'ho ho.'

    There, I've said it.

  2. Dave got there first with the 'ho ho', but these did raise a chuckle - thank you! I think my favourite was the helium book. :)

  3. I got a book on punctuation for Christmas. I couldn't see the point.

    I got a book on syntax for Christmas. I didn't understand really it.

    I got a book on spelling for Chrissmuss.

  4. Where do you find these? Loved Fran's additions, too!

  5. Ah, wonderful. That's got my chuckle muscles exercised!

  6. Dave - I am truly honoured.

    Jayne - Thanks, and welcome! And a Ha Ha Happy Christmas to you!

    Fran - Brilliant! (Although I thought the Syntax didn't go up until January.)

    Rainy - Sadly they're not my own. I've just written down ones I liked over the years. Shall I try and write some brand new ones? Yes! I shall! ... but then they'll be a bit rubbish... mmmm.

    Martin - Excellent! That's kind of the effect I was going for.

  7. Loved the Christmas jokes HAPPY CHRISTMAS :O)

  8. Very funny, BB, except that I didn't get the one about Santa and the chimney. Even after re-reading it TWICE. It might be a cultural thing...
    Merry Christmas!

  9. Madeleine - Glad you liked!

    Deborah - Are you just being coy? If not, the word 'come' is significant. That's my favourite one, sadly.