The Odd Couplet... and other Poetical Films

One of the things I love about Twitter is how it's become a natural home for the dreadful pun. I've blogged before* about Hashtag games, where people compete to come up with the worst puns on a particular subject - usually a mash up of film titles, songs, animals and some topical theme.

This week I had a lot of fun with #poeticalfilms ... I don't know who started it but was surprised how many took it up and ran with it. Here are some of my faves...

Faust Amongst Equals
@bingaddick

2001: A Space Ode Essay
@adrianbriggs

Crocodile Spondee
@hudsonette

Doggerel Day Afternoon
Raiders of the Lost John Cooper Clarke
@pifflechimp

Private Betjeman
Die Hardy
Whitman Can't Jump
‏@Balls_to_Monty

Silence of the iamb
@Tarawuski

Rimbaud: First Blood
‏@m_yates

The Men Who Stare At Goethe
Honey I Shrunk The Keats
Debbie Does Ballads
The Odd Couplet
@CosyFanTootie

Look Ted Hughes Talking
‏@AntBeal

Mad Max Beyond The Palindrome
PignusDominus

The Hitchhaiku
‏@FakePaulCoia

The Hughes Brothers
Dead Men don't wear Plath.
@martysm

Con Ayres
@Trudski2012

Haiku Fidelity
‏@standardbrit

Here are some of my own: ‏

For Whom the Belloc Tolls
Anapest in Show
Truly, Madly, Hegley
Baudelaire of the White Worm
Woolf Creek
Quatrain Man
and of course Carol Ann Duffy the Vampire Slayer

@ClareKirwan

and, a personal favourite... drum roll...

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day of the triffids
‏@JimGall5

Go to it! You may not be on twitter, but you can still join in here...

* Why are there so many songs about librarians?

Feghoots and Shaggy Dogs

I know what you're thinking: 'What the feg is a feghoot?'

A lengthy comment appeared on my Burns Night post which I (erroneously) described as a 'shaggy dog story'. But it turns out is was a feghoot. In fact, the vast majority of tales I've attributed to shaggy dogs turn out to be nothing of the sort.

shaggy dog story

"an extremely long-winded tale featuring extensive narration of typically irrelevant incidents, usually resulting in a pointless or absurd punchline". The classic example would be a tale going on at length about how shaggy a dog's coat is, but when it is eventually being judged at Crufts the judge says: 'It isn't very shaggy.' Not funny? Nope - doesn't do anything for me either.

feghoot*

"a humorous short story or vignette ending in an atrocious pun (typically a play on a well-known phrase) where the story contains sufficient context to recognize the punning humor".

An example: A young boy called Gervaise starts work as a waiter in a Paris fish restaurant. He's doing quite well, and makes friends with the other staff - especially the Swedish dish-washer, Hans. The only part of the job he doesn't like is when customers pick living seafood from the tank and he has to take it away to be cooked.

One day a wealthy banker, to impress his friends, points to the most expensive item in the tank - the very rare Hairy-lip Squid. Gervaise wrestles the luminous beast out of the tank and takes it through to the kitchen. The chef is very busy and tells Gervaise to kill it and chop all the legs off. He's about to do this when he makes eye contact with the creature. There's an almost-human look of pleading in its eyes, a sort of gentleness. 'Don't kill me!' it seems to implore.

Gervaise throws the knife down. He can't do it! He goes to the back kitchen where Hans is up to his elbows in dirty plates. 'You've been around a bit. You're tough,' he says. 'Can you kill this squid for me?'

'Of course!' says Hans, who follows him into the kitchen. But just as he's about to bring the sharpened knife down onto the animal, he, too sees the kind expression, the quivering of the squid's little hairy lip. He can't kill it either.

So the chef comes in and says: 'I can't believe it! Hans who does dishes is as soft as Gervaise with a mild, green hairy-lip squid.'**

* Named after a series of short science fiction pieces: "Through Time and Space with Ferdinand Feghoot", published in various magazines over several decades, which always ended with a deliberately terrible pun based on a well-known title or catch-phrase.

** You probably need to be British and over 30 to get this, but it relates to this advert. I'm told this joke features in one of Ian Rankin's Rebus books: Mortal Causes

Filthy limericks

Readers of a sensitive disposition should avert their eyes now.
It is time to acknowledge the place the limerick holds in impolite society. 
There is something about this poetic form that lends itself rather too well to the lewd, the crude and the downright scattalogical. It is, I like to think, a saucy postcard from Poetryland.
Yesterday I dabbled in its origins, early examples and some favourites. But now to the 'hard' stuff. First some lubrication, all from David Bateman's Curse of the Killer Hedge:
There was a young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch*
With a trans-Menai-Strait-travelling cock
From his home he could screw with
A girl in Bontnewydd
That happy young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch 
A singer who came from Milano
Had privates made out of Meccano.
He sang bass-tenor, but
By unscrewing one nut
He could also reach mezzo-soprano  (ibid)
A sensitive aardvark called Mingus
Found foreplay hard work with no fingers.
But his praises are sung
For his fourteen inch tongue
Gives his ladies a pleasure that lingers. 

*** IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY FILTH OR HUMOUR ABOUT RELIGION - LOOK AWAY NOW ***

Right, that got rid of them - you're not still reading are you? I did warn you. Now to the filth. 
I was told these (apart from the final one) by a respectable god-fearing lady dentist at the wedding of mutual friends. It has lead me to the conclusion that a significant number of the best limericks have an ecclesiastical bent, and indeed, a bent ecclesiastic.


There once was a woman from Crewe
Who said as the Bishop withdrew
The vicar was quicker
and slicker and thicker
and two inches longer than you


There was a girl from Aberystwyth
Used to kiss with the lips that she pissed with.
By way of adventure
She fitted a denture
Now she's got a front bum she eats crisps with


The once was a Bishop of Birmingham
Who rogered young boys while confirming 'em.
To comply with his wont
They'd bend over the font
As he pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em.


From deep in the crypt at St Giles
Came some screaming that carried for miles
The curate said: Gracious!
Has Father Ignatious
Forgotten the Bishop's got piles?


When the holy ghost came, say traditions,
Mary acted without inhibitions.
She had God on her side,
And then had him astride,
And in several other positions. (David Bateman, again)

I shall return to this form when you're least expecting it as I haven't shared any of my own with you. But meanwhile you can find more filthy limericks in The Mammoth Book of Filthy Limericks (Mammoth Books)  

The final word should come from this (author unknown) limerick I found online for National Poetry Day 2020:

There once was a man from Nantucket,

who, tired of life

inside a lewd limerick,

moved out

and set up home

in a piece of free verse,

situated

just on the outskirts

of Chepstow.

May the 4th be with you!

Yes, it's that time of year again. Happy Star Wars Day everyone!

I have a thing for Darth Vader.

There. I've said it. Lord Vader. It's the combination of the black leather, the power, the cape (more about this another time), the voice and the fact that I was at a difficult and impressionable age when the film first came out. So in honour of Star Wars Day, here's a poem.

Readers of a delicate and cultured sensibility, look away now.

Love song for Darth Vader

O Darth
I know the Jedi and the Sith
are just a movie myth
and in your current apparel you’d be
quite difficult to kith.
But your giant stride,
your pneumatic breathing,
your leather, leather, leather
gets my maiden’s chest heaving.

O Darth
When I hear your voice I know

that only you could be so bold

I am dealing with forces I don’t understand.

Give me a hand to hold.
I don’t mind that you've no hair,

your limbs are made, not grown.

I sort of like the way they stare

and you’ve a theme tune of your own

O Darth
Behind your mask I know,
you’re a bit the worse for wear,
but you can keep your helmet on,
and we’ll take things from there.

I find your lack of face disturbing,
your dark places, cushioned hide,
but cannot curb this dark yearning
to find your fragile underside

O Darth
The awful things you’ve seen
since boyhood thrills on Tattooine –
and… oh… the dark years in between,
toasted and turned to part-machine.
Then you bombed the base in rebel space,
which I really can’t endorse
But can I feel it?... Can I?... Feel it?
Can I feel the Force?

O Darth
You don’t even let George Lucas’
awful scripts demean you.
Be my saving stamps, my premium bonds
– let me redeem you!
But it was George who created you -
forged in the foundry of his mind -
and now he’s told your story,
joined the dots, what’s left behind?

Long dark years, lonely by my hearth,
devoid of Vader, with a dearth of Darth.

P.S.
O Yoda
I am sorry but
you’re far too small and shit,
and look just like my granddad
– which puts me off a bit.

Related post: Men in Capes Favourite Christmas Jokes Dark Side of Christmas

Making the Headlines

We all like a good headline. Here are some to to save you from General Election burnout.  Let's start with the wartime classic:

Eighth Army Push Bottles up Germans’ Rear

(a fine example of Syntactic ambiguity popular amongst headline writers who like a laugh but can later claim all innocence.) 

I worked on the Wirral News for a year and was often called upon by the editor (who recognised my 'special' talents) to come up with catchy headlines. I was especially proud of one about a local student's sponsored walk in Jordan: 

Dead Sea Stroll

...most of them have drifted from memory. If they drift back I'll be sure to let you know.

Anyway, here are some favourites collected over the years from my local papers:

Magistrates Act on Indecent Shows

Big Surprise Expected

Enter your child now!

‘Suicide’ deliberate

Mayor Welcomes Badger Bill (a piece of legislation, but particularly apt for us because the paper's mascot called Bertie Badger - hence the lapel badges with the immortal slogan: 'I've Been Badgered By Bertie') 

The careful placing of one headline at the same level and in the same font as one on the opposite page can lead to entertaining 'mash-ups:

Beauty Pageant Opens opposite: Samantha’s Lovely Legs

My favourite local headline was the report of the death of an Irishman in the local river: Cork Man Found Floating in Mersey

One local journalist contact insists he regularly miss-spells end of British Summer Time reminders for comic effect: Don’t forget to put your cocks back!

While you're thinking about the funniest headline's you've come across, here's an entertaining song about Headlines, which I am indebted to Moptop for supplying:

National Double Entendre Week

Sorry to be bouncing off Moptop again, but her recent post which was (broadly) on the subject of euphemisms reminded me that it's that time of year again - when we thrust ourselves enthusiastically into the general spurting of thinly veiled obscenity that is National Double Entendre Week.

It seems to me that there's a thin line between euphemism and double entendre, and its even naughtier cousin innuendo.  I'm no expert in cunning linguistics  but I imagine Moptop's new best chum InkyFool could show us a thing or two.  But I do enjoyed getting my tongue around something risque now and then - it's one of my little foibles.  For example, I've just come back from an event at Toast in West Kirby where during my  slot my 'Road Rage' poem went down well.  I'm particularly proud of the line:  Girlie young things find it hard to be nippy / when they're stroking their Volvos and doing their lippy.

Some old favourites:

• A man encountered a woman on a  cliff-top path too narrow for them to pass on - he couldn't decide whether to toss himself off or block her passage.
• Then there's the story of the three volunteers late at the sperm bank: two missed the Tube and one came on the bus.
• Oh, and didn't Chris Tarrant say, discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

And sports commentators are famed for them:

• Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
• Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
• Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions." (More of these here.)

The trouble with double entendres is, once you let one go everything takes on a lewd second meaning and you start sniggering at the most innocuous of comments.

It helps if you are able to raise an eyebrow suggestively.This is harder than it looks. If you can't get it up or keep it erect you can resort to adding the phrase 'as the actress said to the bishop' to flag up your wit (or 'Phnar, phnar' if you are Uncultured).  There's even a campaign for an 'as the actress said to the bishop' button on Facebook.

So anyway - the possibilities are spread before you. It's National Double Entendre Week. Go on - slip one in, you know you want to.

Why there are SO MANY songs about librarians

Having asked in my earlier post Why are there no songs about librarians?  I decided to raise the issue on Twitter, expecting little response.  Instead it sparked a pun-fest with over 300 ideas (and counting), my favourites of which I share here for your delectation.  If you're thinking of dabbling in Twitter I can personally recommend everyone listed  here - and more!

After this I will stopping blogging about libraries for a bit!

@BardOfEarth:  Man of constant borrow.

@Tiggythepiggy: Why Do Words Suddenly Appear, Every Time You Are Near?  

@BardOfEarth:  You ain't nothin' but a Bound Log.

@Tiggythepiggy: When I Think Of You, I Touch My Shelf  

@pinkytheflorist: Lend me, break me  

@AmoebaStampede: Place Another Little Fiche on My Cart  

@barbedwyer:  She's in love with me and I feel 20p Fine

@spoiltvt: All You Read Is Love  

@Tiggythepiggy: Hey Big Lender  

@_Monocle_: Gazetteers Of A Clown  

@Tiggythepiggy: I Can See Four Aisles  

@Tiggythepiggy: Take That Book Off Your Face  

@FrankieMcGinty: All by my shelf

@remittancegirl: I cried a river overdue  

@5tubby:   Spinsters are doing it on the shelves

@drfidelius: I Am Thesaurus  

@LauraEmm:  You're Not A Loan

@Billablog: She Shelves Sanctuary  

@JulieRussell:  Blyton time

@philmscribe: I'll Never Get Overdue  

@BioTracer: Will You Still Love Me To Borrow

@JulieRussell:  50 ways to read a cover

@BertSwattermain  What Bookworms of the Broken Hearted

@SplashMan: ISBN Missing You

@sad19: You've Gotta Lend (song as an overduet)

@BertSwattermain:  A-What-Borrow-You-Got-A-Stamp-Bang-Book

@dartacus: What have you done for me late-fee?  

@HashConverter: Let's Stack Together  

@BertSwattermain:  Love Me Lender

@BertSwattermain:  Dewey Decimal Follower of Fashion

@HashConverter: Fool (If you think it's overdue)  

@SymphonyUK: Ticket to Read

@GrahamBandage: A Loan Again Naturally  

@thedrollhouse: All By My Shelf  

@GrahamYapp:  Be Good to Yourshelf

@MrWordsWorth: Where Dewey Go From Here?

Some  of my own contributions (in my alterego):

Return to  Lender

Ticket to the Limit  

Move Over Dorling (Kindersley)

and finally......big Hollywood ending, orchestra rises to a crescendo....(That's why the )The Lady Has A Stamp

Here comes the pun!

They can't kill you for it - but they'd like to.

I have a genetic tendancy towards the dreadful pun - let's blame the parents (well, dad anyway, mum just sighs). And it's hard, you know. People don't always appreciate your little gems. You find yours bons mots greeted with groans. It's even described (mostly by people not clever enough to pun well) as the lowest form of wit.

It was late in life that I discovered 'I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue' but was always frustrated that there wasn't enough time to join in when they had to come up with, for example, Welsh films like 'Dai Hard' or 'Where Eagles Aberdare'.

But hurrah, hurrah and thrice hurrah! I have discovered my spiritual home in Twitter.

I was at first confounded by this concise (140 characters) and sometimes inscrutable social networking site. Then I discovered hashtags. In Twitter the '#' symbol helps you to search for specific subjects. Anyone 'tweeting' about the iPad would include #ipad in their tweet and if you search #ipad you'll get a million tweets about it. But it isn't all political commentary and teccy chat - there are hashtags for people like me

The first one I stumbled across was #filmsmadescottish and here are some of the gems that people were coming up with:

• Glenfiddler on the Roof
• Nevis say Nevis Again
• There's Something About Moray
• Perth Girls are Easy
• Sporrandipity
• Ayrplane
• Och Aye, Robot
• and (personal favourite) Cheaper wi' ye' Cousin

I thought it was a one off, but it goes on. Next it was #ozfilms:

• Mortal Wombat
• Digeridoo the Right Thing
• Melbourne on the Fourth of July
• Outback to the Future
• Look, Roos Talking
• Possum Unmissable (one of my own, ahem)

Then #scifipop... then #ITVroyalmail... oh and I forgot about #middleclasssongs (Everybody was Feng Shui Fighting, Chim chim chiminera, Hove is a Many-Splendored Thing etc etc)

I could go on. Come and join me! @ClareKirwan