Friday, 11 June 2010

Austerity Measures

Times of austerity are here, they tell us – a reigning in (of wild horses?), the tightening of belts, the empty larder, the gathering clouds, the doom, the gloom.

But which of us can say, hand on heart, that we don't have too much stuff, that we could get by without the lava lamp, the novelty egg timer or the impulse-bought 'must-have' espadrilles crafted by the tiny grubby fingers of child labourers? (insert your own foibles here)

The aesthete would say that a life of simplicity is the ideal - just enough to eat, no worldly distractions, self-sufficiency. A loaf of bread, a cup of wine, and thou...sands of books at your local library - for now (though they wouldn't dare trying to close Wirral Libraries after what happened last time.)

If Osbourne wants a list of which services to cut back on, here are 10 suggestions of what should be first up against the wall:

  • Public sector award dinners
  • 50% of all meetings
  • Bankers' bonuses
  • 'Think-tanks'
  • Tank tanks
  • 75% of public sector PR and marketing
  • Local authorities sponsoring football teams
  • Subsidies to farmers not to grow stuff
  • The space programme
  • ...oh, and the war, the weapons, the bombs, the missiles

But don't panic! There are plenty of things we can all do to 'pull in our horns' (that's one for the Inky Fool), save money and make our own lives more sustainable: 

  • Re-use and repair old jokes
  • Shop around for cut-price air – it's just as good as full-fat
  • Only eat second hand food
  • Get rid of the dog and buy a bargain-basement budgie... some of them really go cheap!
  • Sell your soul on eBay - top prices paid
  • Use your library - spend your days sitting near the thrillers smelling of wee
  • Save water costs! Share a bath with a neighbour
  • Turn off your brain at the mains when you're not using it
  • Repair any broken promises or hearts (you might need a 'handy man' to do this)
  • Become a 'friend of the preserving pan' (pictured)

Next week:  How to grow your own gazebo from seed  

Related post: Time of the Signs - more amusing political posters


  1. I guess I'm a wanton waster, cuz I'm keeping the dawgs. True, they eat way more than a budgie, but a budgie can't scare off the prowlers looking for my old jokes and wine-soaked brain. --the soul, I sold long ago.

  2. Last time I became a friend of my preserving pan and gave it a cuddle, I was in hospital with burns up the insides of my arms. I realise I should have let it cool down first after making jam in it. Dur.

  3. Sorry to have to put this as a comment, but you have no email option? I've already explained 'napple' to all and sundry, but if you'd like a private, action replay, do email me as per my profile page, and I'll send one winging your way! One thing I'll never cut back on is communication! LOL :)