A Library Wedding

April 2017

Ok, so we didn't actually get married in the library itself (my bosses wouldn't let us) but we themed the whole thing around the fact that we had met in the library - and we photo-bombed it on the day!

I designed the invitations to look like Penguin book covers. Inside were Penguin cover postcards with menu choices on, so people responded by returning them and we used them as place markers.

We got married at Wallasey Town Hall, which has some resonance for us as we've both worked there at some point. In fact I think his team were kicked out of one office so my team could move in, although we never actually met.

We only have seven relatives between us, so our wedding party was mostly friends, who are our own hand-picked family.

The cake was a big pile of books (made by an ex-library assistant) and the tables centres were 'altered books' (made by another). The spines of the cake books spell out our story.

After the wedding breakfast, we had hired a mini bus to take most of the guests (sadly mum was too tired by then) to Wallasey Central Library - where I worked and where we'd met. See A Mysterious Package and The Plot Thickens for that story.

My colleagues had been primed to expect us - we had been decorating the library accordingly under the pretence of a 'spring romance' display!

The library was still open, but most borrowers were happy to join us for a glass of fizz and I had a competition going for people to get photographed with appropriate books... which probably deserves another post in itself. Other borrowers (like the chap at the end of the aisle on the right) seemed unaware of the whole thing.

I did get the photographer to make everyone say 'Shhhh...'

Batgirl, Borrowers and 'Sticky Books': it's National Libraries Day

Is my jumper too loud for the Reference Library?

I've been absent from here for a bit but I must blog today as it's National Libraries Day!

Since starting as a library assistant, I've found libraries a great source of ideas: I've written poems and short stories on everything from Batgirl's day job to the time the man who hangs around in History came in without his hat! Libraries (and there are some fab ones HERE) lend themselves to the imagination: they contain so much information, invention and passion - the sum of human experience. Their users, too - the 'Borrowers' - have their own passions and predilections. Then there's the library staff: the cliche of the skittish, be-cardiganned librarian, disappointed in love, too tempting to ignore, too tempting not to subvert...

Today I'll be performing some of my library poems along with some by the likes of Emily Dickinson and Charles Simic. My favourite is For St Jerome by Paul Farley. This will all be in Wallasey Central Library at 2.30pm and include two new pieces including this one:

Sticky Books

Here come the sticky books:
puppy books, freshly chewed, gluey
‘How to...’s and kiddies pop-ups, aromatic
from the nappy bag, slim volumes of bitter
poetry smeared with conciliatory chocolate,
novels fluffed from under settees, used, coasterwise
for beer cans, cat books itching with fleas.

Here come the sticky books: fumbled
from crumb-filled carrier bags after nights
at pensioners’ bedsides next to teeth and tinctures.
Gummy on the counter top, a reptile book
reluctantly returned by a man with filthy talons,
along with soiled allotment manuals, and well-thumbed
sex encyclopaedia, tacky to the touch,

Here come the sticky books: fished from
the flotsam of handbags, powdered and perfumed,
travel guides sandblasted, bleached and smelling
suspiciously of coconut, cookery books
dusted with flour, butterfingered, garnished,
eggs on their faces, pages with glazed crusts.

Here come the sticky books:
the coffee-cupped, hair-sprayed, bubble-bathed
and baked beaned books. The snotted on,
sneezed at hard backs, the wept over romances
with their rim of salt. The nautical adventures
and Haynes manuals, all well oiled
with perfect fingerprints for forensics later.

Here come the sticky books:
wanting a buffing with dusters and spirit.
Never lick your fingers in a library. I wouldn’t
like to test for substances between these sheets
– shit and semen, coffee, stamens, condiments
ash and ear wax, cat hair, gum, and dough
blood, sweat and tears - or is that just Bordeaux?

© Clare Kirwan

Don't worry - we do clean them up or chuck em if they come back nasty. And we get fresh new books every week - why not pop into your 'local' today and get the latest titles... but look after them nicely, won't you?

Librarian Action Figure

We all know that Batgirl was a Librarian, right? But even I was surprised to see this: Librarian Action Figure.

In tracking down one of these 'must have' be-cardiganned figurines 'with amazing push-button shushing action' I discovered the librarian it is modelled on: Nancy Pearl was an inspiring Seattle librarian whose projects included 'If all Seattle read the same book'... (...what? it would end up in tatters... that's what), radio broadcasts and a highly successful series of 'Book Lust' reading guides.

Nancy Pearl says the largest problem facing libraries now is:

"We have yet to balance the three important functions a library has in a community: information access, providing people with books... and offering quality programs for our patrons. The pendulum swung way over on the information access side and has yet to right itself. We graduate people from library schools... knowing how to build a website, but not knowing how to recommend a book..."

Wirral Libraries have merged, not entirely seamlessly, with the Council's One Stop Shops. It's not hard to see the logic - I come across a far greater number, and wider range of local residents since working in the library than I ever did in 'Public Relations'. I just hope, as librarians are whittled down, book ordering is farmed out to external agencies and we un-qualified minions are retro-fitted as 'customer service assistants' that we don't turn over too many pages at once and lose our place.

So maybe we need to unleash our special powers - not just the shushing action, but a but more stamping and putting things back into order.

And, of course, we're going to need special outfits...

Movies about Libraries

When I asked why there were no songs about librarians, I was immediately and roundly rebuffed HERE.  Prompted by a friend, who came up with a few of their own, I couldn't resist asking on Twitter what movies there were about libraries, and was met with similar silliness from various tweeps   

Lady And The Stamp    @Gamiliell   

‏Silence please of the lambs    @Gadgerpvfc67  

‏Rumble Fiche     @carrhill 

‏One Fine A Day     @CarolDrummond4  

‏Das Book     @kilt_monster  

‏The Truth about Catalogued & Dog-Eared     @Martinquinn66  

‏‏Tome Raider  and  Dude, Where's My Card?     @Trudski2012

Lost in Circulation     @lumdog2012

‏Me, My Shelf, and Irene    @larrymeath

‏50 First Due Dates     @WiselinePRT 

‏Dewey The Right Thing     @dkobert  

The Da Vinci Barcode     @mitdasein   

Hello Trolley!     @larrymeath   

Rushhhhh     @JPKillham

Mississippi Browsing     @DanCarpenter85


Anyone care to add any more?

Lost Property

I was on relief at another branch this weekend and had occasion to hoik out their lost property box in search of a small boy's lost 'thing.'

I came across this rather lovely collection of lost book marks - kiddies ones with clowns on, little old ladies' flowers and prayers, joyless corporate giveaways and Celtic metal ones that'd rip your page out soon as look at it. There were punishment bookmarks of stiff leather, flimsy hand-crafted affairs, notes from lovers and postcards from the past.

A colleague of mine once found a twenty pound note marking someone's place between the covers. Another swears she found a rasher of bacon.

What's the strangest thing YOU ever used as a book mark?  And can you guess what the other most common item is left in a library (apart from books, obviously?)

Brought down to size

I was brought back to earth this week after I've been insufferably full of myself lately. I'm interested in other people's views...

I had my first '1 star' review on Amazon. A Mrs E Carlill from Stroud thought I was 'A bit odd'. No shit, Sherlock. The words 'unsettling', 'dark underbelly' and 'shaky ground' appear in my own description of it. Previous reviews use 'quirky' and 'twisted. But Mrs Carlill went for it anyway.

Now, am I alone in thinking that if something is adequately described, well written and  absolutely free it is entirely unreasonable to just give it one star?  What score would she give something that mis-represents itself, is full of typos and causes serious offense? I'm not losing sleep over it: it still averages 4.5 stars and her review is more about her own choices and tastes than my work, but is it fair to be quite so damning?

If something isn't to your taste, do YOU put the boot in or just walk away?

'It's like your gran... turned into Beyoncé'

This is a big week for Liverpool and for libraries. After a three years closure, the Liverpool Central Library has reopened following a £55million PFI-funded refurb.

(They probably want their Borrowers back, too. We inherited a few for a while, but as will all things library-related, they have to be returned.)

As the Daily Mail said:

'It's like going to meet your gran and finding she's turned into Beyoncé'.

It is indeed a breathtaking building: like a high-tech Hogwarts it has layers of floating walkways hovering above a central area which spirals upwards to a quirky out-of-kilter dome. The old-world splendour of the Picton Reading Room and Horny Library sit surprisingly comfortably alongside the chrome, glass and on-trend big letters/bright colours.

It's a building that lends itself to being a library (see what I did there?) and a very beautiful place to be and I could quite happily live there.  Ooh, I have library envy.

They even have books.

But while the media response to what the Liverpool Echo calls the city's 'new cathedral of knowledge' has been rapturous, these are times of austerity, and the money to run it has to come from somewhere.

Three Liverpool libraries have been closed, 76 jobs lost and opening hours reduced to help fund the City Council's commitment to the landmark building agreed by the previous LibDem administration.


It's very automated too - a subject I'll be coming back to. There are computers everywhere and free wifi throughout but it'll be interesting to see how many actual staff there are and how the borrowers react to space-age borrowing.

But with so many libraries are closing (give yourself a scare by checking out this map) it's good to see that so much has been invested in a new one - may it shine like a beacon of hope across the land!

Talking of beacons, the reopening last night as part of Light Night, where the city's arty farty smarties compete to lure the public to be dazzled by late-night shenanagins.

I managed to miss most of it, except for this rather groovy kaleidescope of light projected onto the Oratory of the Anglican Cathedral. The patterns were made by shards of stained glass.

(And that's the second time this week I've been forced to use the word 'shard'. I'll have the Poetry Police after me at this rate.)

Sorted!

A very satisfying part of my job is sorting the books back into order that YOU the general public have just shoved back in any old place.

Fiction should be in author order, but we also split it by genre and quick read displays are in no order at all, making it difficult to find specific books - it would almost be easier to sort them in colour order. Not all authors fit neatly into one genre: Charlaine Harris pops up in Horror, Supernatural Fantasy and Crime, for example and China Mieville is all over the place. I'm not entirely sure which shelf my putative best-selling novel will eventually end up on.

So the precision of the Dewey decimal system is very welcome in non-fiction. That doesn't always mean you can find exactly what a borrower wants: if someone wants a picture of a unicorn you’ll be all over the place - in mythical creatures, nursery rhymes, fantasy art, and end up in heraldry.

Now I've got the gist of the system the world feels more organised, but I still worry about stuff: in the health section: the back ache books are on the highest shelf, osteoporosis on the lowest, yet the yoga ones are perfectly easy to reach – when it should those you have to stretch for. The dementia books have been abandoned on a nearby table but at least the books on OCD are returned to the shelf in perfect order.

In the children’s library they have whole sections on volcanoes and dinosaurs, and at least half of the books are something to do with underpants (*sniggers*).  One day one of these little cherubs will be all grown up and sitting behind a big desk saying: "That library assistant changed my life. She encouraged me to read and that’s what got me where I am today: Professor of Underpants."

Things people say...

A fab book by poet and writer Jen Campbell (who blogs at 'this is not the six word novel') is through to the final round of the Goodreads Choice Awards 2012 (you can vote here).

Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops includes the classic lines:

'Have you got anything by Jane Eyre?'

'I read a book years ago. I don't remember who it was by or what it was called. but it had a green cover - do you know the one I mean?'

I've heard very similar lines in the library and now she's also looking for more examples for the follow up, I think libraries are included, so here are a couple of mine:

Borrower: Mumble, mumble, mumble...
Librarian: Sorry?
Borrower:  Mumble, mumble, mumble..
Librarian: I'm sorry, I still didn't quite catch what you said?
Borrower: I've come without my teeth.

But by far my new favourite was this one I overheard or a weary borrower losing patience with the library's Saturday assistant in his search for a specific volume by Anthony Trollope: 

Well can you just give me a list of all your Trollopes, please? 

Have you any classic lines you've overheard (or said) in bookshops or libraries? Jen would love to hear from you.

First Attempts at Animation

Martin P Uppet.. movie star!

I know I said I'd be doing posts about my new iPad... but I've been too busy playing with it to write about it! The bottom line is - it's the best thing I've ever owned and if you locked me in a room for the rest of my life with one (and wifi) I'd be perfectly content. The only thing it doesn't do is make a cup of tea... although I'm sure there'll be 'an app for that' soon!

But what I will show you for now, is my first proper short film... it's only a minute long, but it's a start. I made it using my two new favourite apps - iMotion which turns the inbuilt camera into a stop-motion camera, and iMovie to add a soundtrack, effects and bring it all together.

Martin P Uppet is quite a character in our Wallasey Children's Library - he has lots of adventures with his best chum Suzanne and even has his own Facebook page. So I decided to film what happened to him while she was off...

Burning the books

I was reading Ray Bradbury's obituary yesterday when I came across this fascinating fact:

His classic novel on a dystopian future 'Farenheit 451' was written in a library. Specifically UCLS's Powell Library in 1953. Their own obituary in the UCLA Magazine includes a video on him writing the book.

In the days before public access computers, the library had coin-operated type-writers and he bashed out this sci-fi masterpiece in just nine days at a total cost of less than ten dollars.*

So there he was tippety tappety spelling out the destruction of the world's books whilst surrounded by them:

"Imagine what it was like to be writing a book about book burning and doing it in a library where the passions of all those authors, living and dead, surrounded me."

Ray Bradbury 2002

Worryingly, I just found this quote on the intriguing literary blog Page Pulp:

“To learn to read is to light a fire; every syllable that is spelled out is a spark.”

Victor Hugo 

This raises several questions:

1. What would Bradbury - a famous techno-phobe who wouldn't use a lift and thought electric toothbrushes were the work of the devil - make of his books being available as eBooks now?
2. Are there any other books written from the point of view of a fireman?
3. What are my library users up to and should I be watching them more carefully?

* One of the things I love about writing is that it's a really cheap hobby. So much less costly than wind surfing, collecting Steiff bears, or playing the harp.

The Library Phantom

A mysterious figure lurks...

It's National Libraries Day! Who would have guessed? (A: You, if you read this blog last month when I got the date wrong!)

In celebration, I'm going to tell you about the Edinburgh Library 'Phantom'.

Books are just my cup of tea!

Last March the first of a series of 'book sculptures' was found in Scotland's Poetry Library.

Three months later a mini cinema was exposed in the Edinburgh Filmhouse, then a tiny paper gramophone turned up at the National Library and a dragon’s egg was discovered hatching on the window sill at Edinburgh's Storytelling Centre.

Lost in a good book

 During the city's summer book festival, two more intricate artworks appeared and then the Central Library received one of their own.  There's been a pair of fluffy gloves, a cap, a cakestand and a 'poet tree.'

These intricately-crafted pieces are left anonymously but sometimes have notes supporting libraries and the arts. All they reveal is that the perpetrator is a woman (and a woman fond of ellipses, which narrows it down a bit) who loves words, books, libraries, ideas.......

The perpetrator has never been identified... but if I catch you in my library with a pair of scissors you'll 'feel the back of my hand'! (and not in a genteel, strokey way

READ MORE:
- The Library Phantom Returns!
- More pictures by Chris Scott

A Big Rant (about publicity)

I don't rant a lot - which is a shame because I actually enjoy it - but I'm going to rant now.

I was at an event this week organised by Wirral Libraries. On the way out a friend of a friend (and I'm not dissing her - she's a nice person - but this sort of thing happens ALL THE F***ING TIME!!) said:

'It wasn't very well publicised.'

I HATE it when people say this. How are they expecting to hear about local events? It's not going to be on telly during your favourite programme. No-one's going to knock on your door to tell you about it. Probably no leaflet through the door either - it's a pricey business advertising and really hard to do effectively on a tight budget - especially when you're trying to do it along with your regular job.

I used to work in press and PR so I know my stuff. I now work in libraries where we literally have no budget for promoting our events, or running them for that matter - we made cakes and sandwiches for our Centenary paid for out of our own personal pockets.

So can I just say, for the record (and general principles apply here):

a) It was advertised in the local paper. There was also an article about it - no mean feat as the only guaranteed newspaper space is a paid-for advert and a half page costs around £500. So if you're interested in local events - try checking the local paper. Just a thought.

b) Like author readings? Why not visit your local f***ing library and pick up the f***ing leaflet? Or go online to the council's website or library page on Facebook (try 'friending it' even!) and see what's coming up?

c) It was a poetry event in Wirral. It was on my 'poetry events in Wirral' page which I know you know about. Try checking it out occasionally.

d) The event was sold out

e) You were there, so you must have found out somehow.

I really don't know what people are expecting when they say something wasn't well publicised. As the potential audience for said publicity you have to be open to it, keep looking in places where sorts of things you like would be publicised.

You'd only complain if we found a way of beaming this sort of stuff directly to your brain.

On the Library Wall

We put a lot of things on the library wall: posters, pirates, pictures, plaques and post-it notes, fire extinguishers, directions, instructions, clocks and lists.

But last week I was delighted to find myself on this most beautiful library wall at Paraxis. Go over there now! It's rich with treasures - stories, art and poems all related to libraries.

My contribution is about third along on the bottom - each item opens on it's own if you click on it. I especially love Fat Roland's 'Libraries that no longer exist' which is very silly as you'll see from the first line: "Hayle Library: wheeled down th road by monkeys"

I'm afraid it knocks my own '100 words' library-themed competition (which I haven't mentioned here as it was only open to Wirral Library members) off the leader board. This is how I showed our winning entries. It's not nearly so pretty is it?

Went the day well

In case you were worried after my last post, I can now report that my library's Centenary celebrations went even better than 'best case scenario'.

For starters, we were presented with this fantastic cake by the sugarcraft group that meet in the library. A cake made out of books! Cake and books - what more could a woman want? (answers on a virtual postcard!)

Actually, lets start with Friday - comic poet John Hegley was on top form for his performance at the library despite it taking 4 trains to get to us from a gig in Wakefield!

He did some fab new material and yes, we ended up in the pub again, and, yes I gave him a lift again and YES! (everyone kept checking...) I had tunnel money this time! What a nice chap, well worth seeing live if you get a chance - great comic timing, surprisingly good singing and he read some of his fave poets too (a bit stressful as he asked me to find specific poems 10 mins before he started... and we've lots of poetry.)

Anyway, Saturday was the warmest October day on record, and there was a Liverpool / Everton Derby on but we still had hundreds of people turn up to help celebrate our 100th birthday (and no plumbers... although they still haven't finished)

We laid on a splendid 'Edwardian' Cream Tea ... you can see my perfectly edible cucumber sandwiches at the front there, and none of the borrowed china was dropped and nobody drowned in whipped cream.

And the speeches and prize-giving went swimmingly and I didn't even drop all the certificates and the winners read beautifully, including Cath Bore, who has talked about the event in her blog. And I met a few old friends and colleagues, and did a LOT of mingling. I could mingle for England.

The Wirral Ukulele Orchestra were the highlight. It had been a bit touch and go whether they were coming or not right up to earlier this week, but they stole the show with lively renditions of everything from Rawhide to Delilah, with oldies, rock and roll, TV themes, you name it. I'll upload a snippet to YouTube to give you a flavour and pop it on here.

Another plus point - I wasn't the only person who dressed 'in keeping' (which happens to me a LOT) and I even managed to get a group photo of all the staff to prove it.

Invisible, too

Inspired by the art of Liu Bolan, which I wrote about yesterday, I spent the night with my paints in an attempt to emulate one of his 'Hidden in the City' photographs.

Here I am, hiding in plain site in the library. I think you really will struggle to see me, so good is my camouflage.

Not bad for a first attempt eh?

And here's a bit of a poem about being invisible:

The other day, I became invisible:
stumbled into, trodden on and brushed aside,
pulled out in front of at junctions, roundabouts.
I tried smiles – which were returned unopened.
I raised my hand, but no-one let me speak.
I was stared through – not like I was a window,
but more a grey area or just a feeling
that has to be endured or struggled through.
I went home defeated, was not welcomed,
looked in the mirror. There was no-one there.

© Clare Kirwan

One Year as a Library Assistant

Shhh... I've been working in the library for a year yesterday!! (My boss said: 'It feels like longer!' ... That's good, right?)

I feel like I'm really getting the hang of this. I have survived the biscuit embargo, and am 'professional-looking' enough to convince an innocent borrower that there is a sequel to Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath called The Pomegranates of Despair.

I haven't quite mastered the art of spotting who will appreciate my 'humour'. A man brought in a bunch of books about archery and wasn't amused when I asked him if they'd 'left him all a-quiver'. Some fall on stony ground.

But another time, a lady asked if we had any books on mind-reading. When I said: 'I knew you were going to say!' that she laughed like a loon.

So, here are 10 important lessons I have learned:

1. First of all, we learned (alright... made up) lots of songs about librarians


2. That you... yes YOU... are called 'borrowers'


3. That technological wizardry is not as wide-spread as we supposed * and most library assistants are strangers to the spreadsheet


4. That there tends to be a 1980's attitude to tea breaks (good!) and health and safety* ... nobody comes running at you with an accident form if you try and remove staples from a wooden board with a tin opener.


5. That I'm not the only person who borrows guide books and takes them on holiday with me


6. That you don't want to go to 'the scary branch' during a visit from the local primary school


7. Useful general life lessons like: What to do if kidnapped by a comic beat poet or What to do if a dog eats your library book


8. Oh and lots of stuff about books and authors and the basics of the Dewey decimal system... which I am starting to incorporate at home


9. That libraries really, really do have an invaluable place in the community - lots of really useful services used and much-appreciated by lots of different kinds of people... and the last bastion of no-catches FREE stuff!


10. That there are still people who never go to their library, who come in grudgingly to use the photocopier or one of the computers in an emergency or join 'to support libraries in principle' and are astonished at the range and quality of our books, DVDs and facilities... and, indeed, jokes... or is that just me?

Go on - visit your local library this week to help me celebrate!

* Sweeping generalisations based on limited research

Let me count the ways...

We counted all the books in the library the other day - it's an end-of-the-financial year thing.

We have 32,476 books. Well we might have.

But as there was no system of checks and balances, no QA, no spreadsheets listing categories, no double-checking of other people's additions... as the entire process was conducted on random bits of scrap paper with a bare minimum of discussion (we were all counting, see, and we'd have lost our places), and as we don't know (a) how many books are currently on loan because the system doesn't readily give us those sort of figures and (b) how many we are supposed to have all things being equal, we could have just as easily made up a rough figure and stayed in bed (separate beds... we're not 'that kind' of library).

But here's something to think about next time you're ploughing through a book you're not really enjoying: with more that 9,500 novels in our branch, IF (and you'll see, a rather big 'if') I read one every day it would take me 26 years to read them all. But also, I would never read them all - because we get more than 7 new ones every week so the incoming would exceed the outgoing.

What to do if a dog eats your library book

I've noticed a lot of people coming to one of my earlier posts using the title of this post as a search term, but I fear that post may not have answered the question.

So here's a step-by-step guide:

1. Can you repair it yourself? - at least enough to appear intact for the 20 seconds it takes you to drop it on the counter and run? If 'yes' apply glue stick liberally but avoid sticky tape, staples and chewing gum.

2. Are there obvious teeth marks? If 'no' go to (6a)

3. Was it someone else's dog? If 'yes' go to (4). If 'no' go to (5)

4. Approach the owner, demand reparations and make empty threats to report the incident. (If they are bigger and meaner than you, you might want to skip this bit.) Go to (6)

5. Is your dog cute, with adorable puppy eyes, fluffy ears and a friendly nature? If 'no', rub his nose in the crumpled pages and make him sit in the corner with something by Dan Brown - that'll teach him. If 'yes', take him with you and go to (6)

6. At the library.

Several options here. Important: if the dog is with you, ensure it's well-groomed and toileted - libraries are very exciting places and accidents do happen - not just with puppies. Do not bring the dog out yet if attempting (6a), (6b) or 6(c) as it will weaken your argument (especially if it wees on the book). Have it ready in an appropriate container in case it is needed for (6d) onwards.

6a. Attempt the Jedi mind-trick by gazing into the eyes of the librarian and projecting this thought: 'the book is not damaged'. If the librarian accuses you of 'looking at her funny' or demands to know what happened to the book, go to (6b)

6b. Claim it was already in that condition when you borrowed it and that you 'only took it out to support the Save Our Libraries campaign' and how dare they suggest you would ever harm a book! If this fails, go to (6c)

6c. Admit there is a remote possibility the book was damaged in your care. Invent a suitable sob story - it was run over as you leapt to rescue a small child from an oncoming bus. Show appropriate scars.

6d. Come clean: 'The dog ate my library book'. Bring the cute dog out now if you have one. Engage the librarian in discussion about how important and innocent animals are. If this fails to get you off the hook, go to (6e)

6e. Say of course you will pay for the damage but you 'have no money on you just now'. Leave the library and never return. Or assume a new identity, change your name by Deed Poll and stay away 5 years. If this would be inconvenient go to (6g)

6f. Reveal yourself as the Council's 'mystery shopper'. Give feedback about their customer service. Explain the book was damaged deliberately for the exercise and 'just order another one, would you... you'll have my report in a few months'. If this is greeted with disbelieving laughter, go to (6g)

6g. Offer to replace the book. Be aware they will charge you full price. Offer to replace it yourself and order a second hand copy from Amazon for 1p.

In fact... If you just do (6g) you don't have to do any of the others really - everything will be sorted out nicely.In fact. If you just do (6g) everything will be sorted out nicely.

The Angel of the Date Stamp

And the Angel of the Date Stamp sayeth to the library assistant:

"Yeay and the day cometh - and thou shalt know the day for even as thy cup of tea runneth over, so shalt thy tank run dry.

"And upon this day thou shalt press 'send' on the Important Message without checking it and a Great Wailing shall arise from all the other branches under the Heavens crying: 'What hast thou done?'

"And it will come to pass that He Who Designeth the poster and misseth off the date, hath finished his Placement and vanished off the Face of the Earth along with the programme and fonts he useth. And all will turn unto thee and say: 'Thou knowest of such things - thou shalt make reparations.'

"And things which Need To Be Done, turneth out to have already been done - but only after thou hast done them again. And all manner of Trouble and Difficulty shall present themselves unto thee, and thou shalt be beset on all sides by Confusion, Interruption and Frustration. For it is written: even as you juggle Many Things, so shall you drop them.

"And the very Air shall freeze and the Sky darken, and there shall be no more Mince Pies in the staff room and so thou shalt go hungry unto the Counter. And there, the Borrowers shall tug at thy Cardigan saying: 'I gaveth it to the Charity Shop by accident.' And: 'Yeay, I have renewed this many times online and oweth you nothing.' And 'Bring forth that book by that woman whose name I knoweth not who hath written that book, the name of which I also knoweth not?'

"And yeay thou shalt walk through many corridors in the wilderness, and from thence to the children's library, they shall Speaketh in Tongues saying: 'Une pomme de terre, tra la la!' with great volume until the Skies rend and thy ears bleed.

"And when thy Work is finished, and thy Struggles have brought forth ill-formed and brutish Conclusions, thou shalt think of many other ways to have better completed thy tasks.

"And thou shalt cover thine head with thine hands... like this."