Resolutions

"We're going to need a bigger spreadsheet"

"Two men look out through the same bars, one sees the mud... and one the stars."

In my last post I chose to only mention the 'best bits' of 2012 and let the worst bits go. It seems like a good philosophy to focus on the positives - when looking back and also when living each new day.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was telling me about the big list of things he was going after he retired from his main job the Friday before Christmas. The morning after his retirement, he died of a massive heart attack.

I'll say more about him next week when I can put some words together, but if nothing else, it makes you realise how precious time is, and if there are things you want to do you should be doing them now.

So my 2013 resolutions are mainly around being more focussed, better quality of life and - dare I say it? - legacy:

• Relax more (may involve yoga)
• Stop running over the same old ground
• Stop faffing about and procrastinating
• Spend more time actually writing*
• Get a collection out (poetry and or flash fiction)
• Live in the moment more
• Go somewhere on my 'go to' list
• Spend more time with people I care about
• Experiment with imaginative, innovative ideas
• Bring more smiles to the world

Have you made any resolutions or are you far too grown up for all that? 


* Here are 7 New Year Resolutions for Writers I came up with a couple of years ago

2012 Highlights

Despite all attempts by the governments, the weather and Wirral Council, it's been a good year for me on balance.

Travel highlights were the trip to the south western states of the USA - Sedona, Grand Canyon, Monument Valley, Bryce Canyon, Zion Canyon... oh, and ... erm ... Vegas. Mallorca and Turkey were enjoyable but not in the same class.

Best moments: there was much to remember this year by in the UK too and I'm still buzzing from attending the Paralympics for a couple of days including 'Thriller Thursday' where Hannah Cockcroft, Johnnie Peacock and David Weir won golds.

Despite not being a 'sporty' person, I'd say that following the Olympics and Paralympics was THE best part of the year.

Writing highlights were: My first play - 'Enola Gay' - being premiered as part of Wirral's Festival of Firsts, a couple of competition wins and coming in the top ten of the Pulp Idol novel-writing contest.

Movies: I only saw a handful of new movies but the most teary was War Horse [DVD], and the most satisfying was Skyfall [DVD]

Best purchase of the year... possibly any year ever: The iPad

Best meals of the year were in Cafe Sage, Wallasey Village and The Portrait House, Hoylake. Best buffet - The MGM champagne 'brunch' in Vegas... which I managed to stretch from 10ish to 4ish!

Favourite books: Me Before You by Jojo Moyes - a quirky, poignant story about likeable characters facing a heart-breaking decision - and Before I Go To Sleep by S J Watson - an unnerving tale of a woman's search for the truth when she never remembers what happened yesterday.

Worst weather: where to begin? Snowed under in Flagstaff? Horizontal deluge at the Status Quo concert in Speke? Or just the remorselessly grim grey gloom that loomed over the whole year.

There are other categories, I'm sure, but these are the main things that leap to mind at this point. Starting the new year with a few more writing credits under my belt, still in gainful employment and no bits fallen off yet. I hope 2013 finds you in fine fettle too - and I'd love YOU to share your highlights here!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

How NOT to write a novel

(one of the) broken biro 'techniques'

There's plenty of useful advice about writing a novel 'out there'. I have at least half a dozen books telling me the BEST way to construct a plot and write a best-seller - all of which are wildly different from each other. I'll do a separate post on them.

But meanwhile, here are my Top Ten ways NOT to write a novel. I think most of the books I've got will probably agree on much of this:

1. Make your opening the least interesting part of the book
2. Fiddle about editing what you’ve already done instead of finishing it – at which point you realize whole beautifully-edited chunks are no longer required
3. Stop working on it for a couple of weeks so you can’t remember where you’re up to

4. Change genres half way through like Tarantino did it in Dusk til Dawn, leaving you sitting there with your mouth open
5. Do a wholesale ‘find and replace’ for a name change when a name could be part of a ordinary word. e.g. change the name Wish to Noon and end up with ‘Noonful thinking’ and ‘a yellowNoon hue’
6. Write sections so dull you fall asleep over them and end up with a keyboard pattern on your head and 25 pages full of the letter ‘Y’
7. Stressed about the parts that aren’t working, put it all away in a box for 9months to see if it sorts itself out
8. Wait until you’ve written 50k words before deciding it would work better in third person.
9. Send the first three chapters out to readers – or even better, agents – when you haven’t finished the rest of the book
10. Write a blog post that implies you’re disorganized and the novel isn’t any good, when actually you’re pretty pleased with it.

Related posts:
On writing - what started me back into my novel
A novel request - appeal for volunteers to read by first three chapters
Bringing back the dead - changing genres mid-novel

More Assistance Dogs

Following on from the Duke of Edinburgh (... gosh, I never thought I'd be saying those words), I've thought of some more possible assistance dogs - hopefully a tad more politically correct than his idea.

Chatty dogs for the reticent

Ridiculous dogs for the sensible

Thinking dogs for the stupid

Attractive dogs for the ugly

Scintillating dogs for the dull

Hot dogs for the chilly

Organised dogs for the scatter-brained

Instant dogs for the impatient

Shaggy dogs for the socially inept

Tasty dogs for the hungry

and (although I don't think this will catch on) Living dogs for the dead

In space no one can hear you blog...

I don't normally go in for blogfests, but couldn't resist Ellie Garratt's latest, which asked for top ten science fiction and/or horror movie quotes.

So for a bit of fun, I've chosen to list, and then undermine, some classics.

1. "In space no-one can hear you scream"... but they can if you do it in Tesco. (Alien)

2. "I'll be back!" ... I left my shoes and socks here. (Terminator)

3. "I AM your father" ... and if you don't stop this minute, there'll be no Christmas (actual quote from my dad) (Star Wars IV)

4. "Feast your Eyes! Glut your soul on my accursed ugliness!” ...oh, I know, I'll just stick this comedy flower in front of my face. (Phantom the Opera 1925)

5. "It's alive! It's alive!" ... Does it want a cup of tea? (Frankenstein)

6. "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti" ... and my farts smelled of census forms for days afterwards (The Silence of the Lambs... or, as it's known in Liverpool, Shut Up Ewes)

7. "I only drink blood" ... but if you insist on the white, I'll have a couple of glasses anyway (Dracula)

8."Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make"... Turn the bloody noise down - don't you know what time it is! (ibid... ooh, I always wanted to say that!)

9. "One, two, Freddy's coming for you"... three four repeat after me: 'It's only a movie, it's only a movie!' (Nightmare on Elm Street)

10. "The box. You opened it. We came." ...mmm, Crunchy Nut. (Hellraiser)

OK, two questions:

a) Any more for any more? Feel free to join in!

b) How long will if be before I get 'Tesco Alien' amongst the keyword searches that bring people stumbling to this blog?

My 2010 Highlights

I always get a bit contemplative this time of year. I suddenly cease to be any fun at parties, preferring to dwell on the year past and

The ten best things that happened to me this year:

1. I got a job as a library assistant. It's the sort of job I'd have liked on leaving school. If that had happened I'd probably still be there and there's no counting the adventures I wouldn't have had. But it's kind of nice to be doing it now - far less stressful than some of my other recent incarnations!

2. You! I started writing this blog last winter, have had lots of unexpected fun and interaction with great fellow-bloggers through venturing into blogland and celebrating my 100th post!

3. Coming second in THREE poetry slams - Liverpool Most Romantic Poet, Liverpool Glam Slam, and the far less glamorous Morton Arms Poetry Competition

4. Learning to cope with the anxiety which has affected me badly over the last few years. From having a panic attack during a yoga relaxation session back in February to...

5. ...celebrating my 200th live poetry performance a few weeks ago (since my first open mic in 2003)

6. A very enjoyable fortnight in Madeira!

7. Lovely short breaks in The Lake District and Prague

8. Earning a total of £287 from writing/performing... *sigh*...must try harder.

9. Many visits to Scotland. Not for nice reasons, but it was good to get to know it a bit better.

10. Arriving at the turn of this year better equipped than at the turn of the last - materially (better gadgets etc) but also emotionally.

What have been the highlights of 2011 for YOU?

The Oxford Comma... and friends

I first heard of the Oxford comma on one of Dogberry's posts at Inky Fool. 

Punctuation named after places? Whatever next? Apparently it's the comma that you could (but may choose not to) put before the 'and' in a sentence list. 

As an example, here's what Simon Says at Writers Bureau had to say on the subject:

"I dedicate this book to my parents, Martin Amis and JK Rowling."
...it suggests that this author is the love child of Martin Amis and JK Rowling! ...To clarify the sentence, we need to insert the Oxford comma, before the word 'and', like so: "I dedicate this book to my parents, Martin Amis, and JK Rowling."

But why is it called the Oxford comma? And are there other geographically-related punctuation marks I should know about? 

The Papworth Colon - for colons which need to be removed forthwith

Stratford-upon-Avon Quotes - for extravagantly-phrased theatrical spouting

The Westward Ho! exclamation mark - to describe exclamation marks used for decorative effect (including a sub section for multiple exclamation marks at Christmas - or the Westward Ho! Ho! Ho!!!)

The St Martins Lane* Apostrophe - in response to the Grocer's Apostrophe, this is for apostrophes notable only by their absence.

The Wallasey Ellipsis - any ellipsis with the wrong number of dots, which disregard the laws of God and man (in Wallasey there are no less than three roundabouts where the usual rules do not apply)

I'm not sure who should get custody of the Question mark:

Watford? Hooton? Howarth? Wensleydale? Somewhere in the Wye Valley?... or perhaps Pendle – where the whiches come from?

*cackles*

If there are any punctuation marks associated with place names that any of you have made up know of, do tell!

* No one's too rich to need the occasional apostrophe

Related post: My 10 Punctuation Pet Hates

10 Punctuation Pet Hates

It's not that I'm pedantic - I'm not going to kill over this. But I like things to be done properly. 

Those who run "rough-shod" over our language - using respectable punctuation marks for their own nefarious purposes - must be found and stopped! Out with their dodgy colons and enough, already, of their superfluous exclamation marks!!!!!

Here are my top ten punctuation pet hates:

1. Like the picture says - if you don't use commas when you should, a little old man dies somewhere. Classic example (of errant comma, not little old man dying): here (thanks, Tony!)

2. Errant apostrophes - also known as the Grocer's Apostrophe. Or the Grocers' Apostrophe. Depending on the number of grocers, which is the whole point really. Many fine examples at apostrophecatastrophes.com, but the one pictured (right) was discovered by GrammarBlog.com in the "illustrious" Daily Mail

3. Unnecessary quotation marks - make you sound sarcastic even when you're not. e.g. Nice "blog" Clare. There is also something vaguely nudge-nudge wink-wink about them which implies that what you're saying is a euphemism for something filthy.  Go to unnecessaryquotes.com for more examples than you can "shake" a "stick" at.

4. Too many full stops. This might be a personal view - feel free to dash me down in flames - but I think we've gone beyond needing every acronym interspersed with dots. It may have been S.W.A.L.K. in the old days but it's SWALK now. Save your stops - you might need them one day. Soon.

5. Too many exclamation marks!!!!!  I know, I know - I do this too!! I must be found and stopped... oh there I am. Stop it. OK!!!

6. This isn't punctuation per se, but it's still annoying: Random letters Capitalised for no good Reason. We're not German You Know.

7. I'm being really  picky here, but I was picked up once on this one and it hurt: too many dots in your ellipses. There should be three. No more... no less. Any other number is an abomination - unless it's a full stop, in which case I'll let you off.

8. That little ~ symbol. I mean, what's it called and what's it for?

9. worst of all people who dont use punctuation at all maybe because they dont know how and just leave it to you to work out what the hell they are on about

and finally...

...that brings us to number 10 - which is your chance to join in. What else should be on the list? Tell me your punctuation pet hates?

Come on..... "Spill" the ~ Bean's!!!

p.s. Do you have great examples of bad punctuation, grammar, spelling? Send them to the lovely Grammarphile at RedPenInc

Excuses, excuses

In my last blog I mentioned the time-honoured (and in this case true) excuse of 'the dog ate it.'

We all come up with excuses for our failures, omissions, bad behaviour, stupidity, delayed action, clumsiness, laziness or sin.

But why admit to anything if we can blame someone or something else, put it down to forces beyond our control or rationalise our way out of it being in any way our fault?  It wasn't me it was the the weather / chemical imbalance / market forces / somebody - anybody - else.  Early Apple Mac's used to come out with a whiny American voice when certain Bad Things happened saying: 'It's not my fault.' Seriously. 

With imagination there are plenty of original excuses you can come up with, and the more far-fetched and unlikely-sounding the more believable - with-in reason. 'I couldn't come to your soiree because my grandmother was abducted by aliens' or 'my homework ate the dog' might be pushing it a bit. 

There are some whacky excuses for missing work here including; 'I've been taking ex-Lax and Prozac. I can't get off the john but i feel good about it' and 'The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.'

But for your basic error there are two excellent catch-all excuses:

1. Persian carpet-makers always leave one mistake in their patterns to acknowledge that only Allah may achieve perfection.  I used this extensively during my banking years where it generally fell, to borrow another religious metaphor, on stony ground

2. 'The Cartographer's Folly'  I am indebted, as ever, to the Inkyfool blog for alerting me to an equally catch-all but more prosaic general excuse for error. Map-makers, he tells us, have often put a deliberate error in their work so they can prove whether someone has plagiarised their work. 

"It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one."    George Washington

For other occasions where you may be looking for an excuse, I have provided a Top 40 Excuses in the form of a poem below, but what's the best (or maddest) excuse you've ever come across?

Excuses, excuses

The dog ate my homework.
All my friends do it.
I left it on the bus.
I forgot.

I'm new.
I'm ill.
I have a headache.
It's in the post.

I didn't get your message.
I thought it was tomorrow. 
It was an administrative error.
This has never happened before.

The voices in my head said to.
It just came off in my hand.
I only took my eyes off him for a second.
She had it coming to her.

It is destiny.
It was inevitable.
It just… happened.
It was the beat of a butterfly's wings

It goes against my principles.
I was under pressure.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If we don't do it somebody else will.

I only had a pint.
I was only doing 30.
He just came from nowhere.
There was nothing I could do.

All my friends were doing it.
We knew no better.
I wasn't thinking.
I was only obeying orders.

(c) Clare Kirwan

Call for Random Facts

This is just a quickie - but do pass the idea on if you enjoy it.

Maria Zanini (currently stranded in Texas and in need of entertainment) asked her followers to post in the comments one random thing about themselves... and then carry the torch to our own blogs, list six more about themselves, and invite their own followers to do the same. The weirder the better. 

(Karen has something similar in Get on With It having been served with some kind of 'Honesty award'... some kind of ASBO I understand)

So here goes:

1. I can recite Hamlet's soliloquy from memory (for no good reason) - which is why I am so rarely invited to parties
2. I was once 'second reserve' on Who Wants to be a Millionaire... but nobody died
3. I was a virgin bride in 1985 (used to be Catholic but alright now... well, I say 'alright...')
4. I have never been arrested, but I have arrested someone ... that's another story for another time
5. I was filing my books, CDs, DVDs, poems, herbs and spices into alphabetical order LONG before I started the library job (but not the clothes - that would be silly. They go in colour order of course!)
6. I'm chronically indecisive, often paralyzed by indecision - I can also see both sides of every coin/ argument. 
7. I'm a born-again gardener - grow loads of veggies, fruit and pretty stuff - but I've never successfully grown a gazebo from seed.

There we go - I've shown you mine, now show me yours on your own blogs - and drop a note in the comments box when you have!

Austerity Measures

Times of austerity are here, they tell us – a reigning in (of wild horses?), the tightening of belts, the empty larder, the gathering clouds, the doom, the gloom.

But which of us can say, hand on heart, that we don't have too much stuff, that we could get by without the lava lamp, the novelty egg timer or the impulse-bought 'must-have' espadrilles crafted by the tiny grubby fingers of child labourers? (insert your own foibles here)

The aesthete would say that a life of simplicity is the ideal - just enough to eat, no worldly distractions, self-sufficiency. A loaf of bread, a cup of wine, and thou...sands of books at your local library - for now (though they wouldn't dare trying to close Wirral Libraries after what happened last time.)

If Osbourne wants a list of which services to cut back on, here are 10 suggestions of what should be first up against the wall:

• Public sector award dinners
• 50% of all meetings
• Bankers' bonuses
• 'Think-tanks'
• Tank tanks
• 75% of public sector PR and marketing
• Local authorities sponsoring football teams
• Subsidies to farmers not to grow stuff
• The space programme
• ...oh, and the war, the weapons, the bombs, the missiles

But don't panic! There are plenty of things we can all do to 'pull in our horns' (that's one for the Inky Fool), save money and make our own lives more sustainable: 

• Re-use and repair old jokes
• Shop around for cut-price air – it's just as good as full-fat
• Only eat second hand food
• Get rid of the dog and buy a bargain-basement budgie... some of them really go cheap!
• Sell your soul on eBay - top prices paid
• Use your library - spend your days sitting near the thrillers smelling of wee
• Save water costs! Share a bath with a neighbour
• Turn off your brain at the mains when you're not using it
• Repair any broken promises or hearts (you might need a 'handy man' to do this)
• Become a 'friend of the preserving pan' (pictured)

Next week:  How to grow your own gazebo from seed  

Related post: Time of the Signs - more amusing political posters

7 New Year Resolutions for Writers

1. Write. Every day. No excuses. Nothing cultivates creativity more than developing the habit of being creative.

2. Hone your skills. Use the many resources out there to help you improve your writing, whatever stage you are at. Don't settle for being as good as you are now - vow to be better!

3. Determine your goals for 2010. What do you want to achieve as a writer this year? Be realistic but ambitious. Break these goals into a series of smaller actions and commit to doing them. You don't have to be a slave to your targets, but I find having them definitely spurs me on to do more than I would without them. Give yourself rewards... or punishments if you prefer!

4. Strengthen your web presence - it's a powerful marketing tool and your writing CV. Start a blog or a website, get active in online forums, submit your writing to online zines so if someone Googles you they are sure to find you!
TIP: Poets can build up a free profile at www.writeoutloud.net

5. Find a critical buddy. Not someone who tells you 'You look shit in that!' - I mean another writer whose opinion you respect. Their objective look at your work can identify weak areas, plot malfunctions and self-indulgence. Offer to do the same for them! If you don't consort with other writers, try online writing forums - can anyone recommend good ones here?

6. Get organised! You don't have to get obsessed with spreadsheets like I am (ahem!) but sort out a way of recording your submissions etc that works for you.
TIP: I recommend www.duotrope.com - a free database of markets which you can personlise with your own submissions and favourites.

7. Keep reading! Expand your horizons and step out of the story to read critically more often - what works and what doesn't? How has the author given back story, showed a state of mind, used dialogue.

Have a great writing year! And let me know what your writing resolutions are!