Friday 29 October 2010

Top 20 Lightbulb Jokes

The clocks go back this weekend here in the UK and the nights are drawing in so I thought light up your lives by sharing some of the best lightbulb jokes I know.

My favourites (of course) are the ones that subvert cliches or play with words/ideas.

If you're not familiar with the type, the (otherwise disappointing) LightbulbJokes.com gives this definition:  How many (name of group of people/persons) does it take to change a light bulb ? Answer: (A finite positive integer F) One to change the bulb, and the rest to (behave in a manner stereotypical of their group) or (say something stereotypical of their group in certain situations)

But don't go rushing off over there because these are better, starting with oldies-but-goodies:

Q: How many men does it take to change lightbulb?

A: One to do it and 9 mates to congratulate him down at the pub

 

Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

 

Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: "I don't know, but I can look it up for you."

 

Q: Another topical one! How many Local Government Officials does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fifty, one to change the light bulb and 49 to carry out a fact finding mission to Shanghai to see how they change light bulbs there.

 

Q: How many censors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One to ---- ------- ----- and another to ---- ----- ---- while ---- ---- - - -----with a ------

 

Q: How many Orwellian thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None.... There never was any light bulb, don't you remember?

 

Q: How many Catholic Priests / C of E Vicars / Orthodox Rabbis (delete where applicable) does it take to change lightbulb?

A:  "Change? Change??”

 

Q: How many Vietnam war veterans does it take to change lightbulb?

A: "You don’t know? No you don't know - cos you weren't there, man!"

 

Q: How many modern artists? does it take to change lightbulb?

A: One to climb the giraffe and the other to fill the bath tub with brightly colored machine tools

 

Q: How many surrealists? does it take to change lightbulb?

A: A fish

 

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree…

 

Q: How many defence lawyers does it take to change lightbulb?

A: How many can you afford?

 

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to change lightbulb?...

A: Two: One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold the mother - er, penis - er, ladder!

 

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 

A: None. They just declare darkness the industry standard

 

Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Change must come from within.

 

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there!

 

And on that subject…

 

Q How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A “I can't tell whether you mean 'change’ a light bulb or 'have sex’ in a light bulb. Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?”

 

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change lightbulb?

A: One to write the majority of it and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end

(last two from: http://darkerotica.blogspot.com/2005/01/literary-light-bulbs.html)

 

Q:  How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? 

                   swimming

A:  None, fish are          through the       of my consciousness,

           and                          edges

           I          dark.

             like the

This last from the vast vaults of : http://www.eyrie.org/~thad/strange/lightbulbs.html

There's also more here and here, but by far the biggest selection I've come across on the web is on this site


13 comments:

  1. Brilliant! Especially love the thought police and surrealists.

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  2. The clergy one is often told by us, but substituting 'church members' as they are usually far more resistent to the changes we suggest.

    I liked Bill Bailey's one on QI: 'How many amoeba does it take to chage a lightbulb? One, no two, no four, no eight, no...'

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  3. Oooh, I've just noticed you've added me to your blog lists. In your honour I've put up a post.

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  4. Ha ha - that was great. I love really good bad jokes! I've also loved reading through your older posts too and sense a kindred spirit in hating random apostrophes and bad punctuation in general.

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  5. LOL. I can't stop laughing. Especially at the surrealist joke! Brilliant post.

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  6. Modern Artists and Local Government bods, ideal subject matter for lightbulb jokes.

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  7. It's no joking matter. I'm incandescent at the ban on old lightbulbs.

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  8. It is always nice to start the day laughing--the artists and poets versions are brill, though I have a fondness for the Blue Peter version having been introduced to that phenom just recently by you.

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  9. Phew! I've been running around all day and when I open up my laptop, there you all are! Lovely!

    She Means Well - Thank you and welcome! The surrealist one is the one that makes me laugh the most, too!

    Dave - I'm sure that one could have many victims! I like the amoeba one... reminds me of the Roadies (one...two...one...two). Good spot about the blog list - tweaked it a bit last night.

    Hello Nutty Gnome! Welcome. Kindred spirits indeed - nutty but nice!

    Ellie - you commented 7 hours ago... you're not still laughing are you? Makes me giggle every time!

    Martin - Yes, what we call 'the low-hanging fruit'... the original was somewhere other than Shanghai, but I changed it fro the benefit of any Wirral readers (my ex boss and sundry councillors just having had a trip there to publicise Wirral to the Chinese *sighs*

    Rog - Watt?

    Rainy - I always start the day laughing. The doctor says I should try wearing PJs! I hadn't seen the poet one before I did my ''research'' for this.

    Have a great weekend everyone!

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  10. How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Two. One to change it and one to SSHHH her.

    (Okay, I made it up ...)

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  11. You are fun, and dreadful puns are the best (and worst). Thanks for the follow, so I could find you and do the same.
    xoRobyn

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  12. Karen - ...and a third to file it under 644.?... oh, I don't know

    Robyn - Thanks and welcome!

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  13. Oh bum, you had the surrealist one! That's the one I was going to add. Except the version I know has 'wardrobe' as the answer instead of 'fish'. In this particular case, it doesn't really matter, I suppose. Egg? Cushion? Duck-billed platypus?

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