Friday, 29 October 2010

Top 20 Lightbulb Jokes

The clocks go back this weekend here in the UK and the nights are drawing in so I thought light up your lives by sharing some of the best lightbulb jokes I know.

My favourites (of course) are the ones that subvert cliches or play with words/ideas.

If you're not familiar with the type, the (otherwise disappointing) gives this definition:  How many (name of group of people/persons) does it take to change a light bulb ? Answer: (A finite positive integer F) One to change the bulb, and the rest to (behave in a manner stereotypical of their group) or (say something stereotypical of their group in certain situations)

But don't go rushing off over there because these are better, starting with oldies-but-goodies:

Q: How many men does it take to change lightbulb?

A: One to do it and 9 mates to congratulate him down at the pub


Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.


Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: "I don't know, but I can look it up for you."


Q: Another topical one! How many Local Government Officials does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fifty, one to change the light bulb and 49 to carry out a fact finding mission to Shanghai to see how they change light bulbs there.


Q: How many censors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One to ---- ------- ----- and another to ---- ----- ---- while ---- ---- - - -----with a ------


Q: How many Orwellian thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None.... There never was any light bulb, don't you remember?


Q: How many Catholic Priests / C of E Vicars / Orthodox Rabbis (delete where applicable) does it take to change lightbulb?

A:  "Change? Change??”


Q: How many Vietnam war veterans does it take to change lightbulb?

A: "You don’t know? No you don't know - cos you weren't there, man!"


Q: How many modern artists? does it take to change lightbulb?

A: One to climb the giraffe and the other to fill the bath tub with brightly colored machine tools


Q: How many surrealists? does it take to change lightbulb?

A: A fish


Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree…


Q: How many defence lawyers does it take to change lightbulb?

A: How many can you afford?


Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to change lightbulb?...

A: Two: One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold the mother - er, penis - er, ladder!


Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 

A: None. They just declare darkness the industry standard


Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Change must come from within.


Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there!


And on that subject…


Q How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A “I can't tell whether you mean 'change’ a light bulb or 'have sex’ in a light bulb. Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?”


Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change lightbulb?

A: One to write the majority of it and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end

(last two from:


Q:  How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? 


A:  None, fish are          through the       of my consciousness,

           and                          edges

           I          dark.

             like the

This last from the vast vaults of :

There's also more here and here, but by far the biggest selection I've come across on the web is on this site


  1. Brilliant! Especially love the thought police and surrealists.

  2. The clergy one is often told by us, but substituting 'church members' as they are usually far more resistent to the changes we suggest.

    I liked Bill Bailey's one on QI: 'How many amoeba does it take to chage a lightbulb? One, no two, no four, no eight, no...'

  3. Oooh, I've just noticed you've added me to your blog lists. In your honour I've put up a post.

  4. Ha ha - that was great. I love really good bad jokes! I've also loved reading through your older posts too and sense a kindred spirit in hating random apostrophes and bad punctuation in general.

  5. LOL. I can't stop laughing. Especially at the surrealist joke! Brilliant post.

  6. Modern Artists and Local Government bods, ideal subject matter for lightbulb jokes.

  7. It's no joking matter. I'm incandescent at the ban on old lightbulbs.

  8. It is always nice to start the day laughing--the artists and poets versions are brill, though I have a fondness for the Blue Peter version having been introduced to that phenom just recently by you.

  9. Phew! I've been running around all day and when I open up my laptop, there you all are! Lovely!

    She Means Well - Thank you and welcome! The surrealist one is the one that makes me laugh the most, too!

    Dave - I'm sure that one could have many victims! I like the amoeba one... reminds me of the Roadies ( Good spot about the blog list - tweaked it a bit last night.

    Hello Nutty Gnome! Welcome. Kindred spirits indeed - nutty but nice!

    Ellie - you commented 7 hours ago... you're not still laughing are you? Makes me giggle every time!

    Martin - Yes, what we call 'the low-hanging fruit'... the original was somewhere other than Shanghai, but I changed it fro the benefit of any Wirral readers (my ex boss and sundry councillors just having had a trip there to publicise Wirral to the Chinese *sighs*

    Rog - Watt?

    Rainy - I always start the day laughing. The doctor says I should try wearing PJs! I hadn't seen the poet one before I did my ''research'' for this.

    Have a great weekend everyone!

  10. How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Two. One to change it and one to SSHHH her.

    (Okay, I made it up ...)

  11. You are fun, and dreadful puns are the best (and worst). Thanks for the follow, so I could find you and do the same.

  12. Karen - ...and a third to file it under 644.?... oh, I don't know

    Robyn - Thanks and welcome!

  13. Oh bum, you had the surrealist one! That's the one I was going to add. Except the version I know has 'wardrobe' as the answer instead of 'fish'. In this particular case, it doesn't really matter, I suppose. Egg? Cushion? Duck-billed platypus?